


Mad at my parents

by trebleDeath



Series: That one Au [3]
Category: Homestuck
Genre: Angst?, Hammertime - Freeform, M/M, Multi, Pepsicola, Thanksgiving, johndave - Freeform, spamming tags
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-11-28
Updated: 2014-12-25
Packaged: 2018-02-27 08:02:51
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 14
Words: 29,370
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/2685332
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/trebleDeath/pseuds/trebleDeath
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>'Are you mad at your parents? Don't want to spend Thanksgiving alone yet again? Well then I'm your guy. Yes, a dude for hire.</p>
<p>Just send me an email and we can talk and do this on your terms. And what’s that you say, no price? How is such a choice deal like this up with out a price. Well, just a warm meal and the promise of a couple hours of fun is enough for me.</p>
<p>And, if you really want to spice things up, I can do any of the following upon your request.</p>
<p>    Act drunk<br/>Ask about politics at the table<br/>Propose<br/>Break up<br/>Start a fist fight with your father on the lawn for all to see<br/>Check out other family members while you pretend to not to notice.<br/>Anything you come up with as long as it’s relatively PG'<br/>[AKA john hires dave to piss of his family on thanksgiving]</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> I edited this shit. So reread? I don't think I changed dialogue except to make it more consistent and typos.

"Are you mad at your parents? Don't want to spend Thanksgiving alone yet again? Well then I'm your guy. Yes, a dude for hire on Thanksgiving day.

Just send me an email and we can talk and do this on your terms. And what’s that you say, no price? How is such a choice deal like this up with out a price. Well, just a warm meal and the promise of a couple hours of fun is enough for me.

And, if you really want to spice things up, I can do any of the following upon your request.

Act drunk  
Ask about politics at the table  
Propose  
Break up  
Start a fist fight with your father on the lawn for all to see  
Check out other family members while you pretend to not to notice.  
Anything you come up with as long as it’s relatively PG”

Dave had posted this without really expecting a reply. And all month, he didn’t get one. Until a couple days from the turkey massacring holiday itself.

So there he was, sitting on a park bench with his phone out and looking at an email with the subject, "Man for hire."

"I hope this is still up, other wise I’ll just look stupid.

Well, I’ll probably look stupid anyway, because this whole thing is stupid.

I’ll hire you, and I’ll pay you fifty bucks to pretend to be my boyfriend. I’ll pick you up at a location that I will decide on if you agree to this. But be warned, if you’re up to anything funny, you’ll regret it. I know MA and I legally own a tazer, so wise up and be polite.

Either way, I want to hire you because I’m angry at my dad. He’s invited my sister over numerous times while I had to stay at college and eat beans out of a can like a hobo. He honestly has made no move to talk to me ever since I got accepted to college. I kinda think he should see something has gone on while he’s ignored me.

So please act super gay and doting. But other than that, feel free to shake things up. But be warned, if you start a fist fight, as fun as that seems, my family sticks together (lest it be about me apparently) so you’ll have some crazy mad fellows fighting you. And most of them are gun enthusiasts.

-John”

The email was unexpected to say the least.

But, Dave was never one to turn down a free meal or money. Besides, this whole ordeal sounded fun, kinda why he put up the ad in the first place.

And thus, Dave emailed the kid back.

After a few days of going over things and getting to know each other a bit, a time and location were set.

Thanksgiving rolled around and Dave was standing in the parking lot of Walmart all suspiciously like.

A car pulled up to him and the window rolled down, only adding to the scene.

"John?" The blond asked plainly.

The tan brunet inside the car nodded curtly.

Dave hopped in a buckled up. There indeed was a tazer in plain sight, just as John had promised.

Yet, he wasn’t worried in the slightest. He too knew MA. He knew he could pretty damn fatal if he needed. Besides, it wasn’t like there was anything he’d miss if he wasn’t fatal enough.

That was reassuring, well, that and the fact that the guy was pretty scrawny.Of course he was taller than Dave, he could see that, even sitting down.

Still, he wasn’t worried. This was a nice car, and the guy was wearing nice clothes. He honestly didn’t seem like the kind of guy to do something sketchy.

The ride to the suburbs was pretty quiet, not that Dave really cared. At least it wasn’t an awkward silence, just a regular one.

As soon as they stepped out of the car onto the lawn of a pristine house in the suburbs, the dynamic changed. John linked their arms together and beamed. Following suit, Dave cracked a smile too, although there really wasn’t anyone to see them.

A man came out of the house a moment after, proving Dave’s original thought wrong. John must of known this guy, presumably his father, would be watching.

"John!" The man greeted jovially, opening his arms for a hug as he approached the young men.

John gave him a hug, but a one armed one. He refused to let go of Dave, probably making his appearance more obvious than was needed.

"So, who’s this?" He asked, eying Dave a bit suspiciously.

"Dave," He introduce himself, stepping away from John a bit and opening is arms, like the man had when he stepped out of the house. "Don’t pretend like you don’t know. John must have told you all about me. He said he would tell you everything the next time he saw you."

His father looked a little bit uncomfortable, “Er, I haven’t seen much of John. But, any friend of John’s is welcome at our table.”

"Dad." John stepped up, "He’s more than a friend." He kissed Dave’s cheek and smiled cheekily at his father.

"Oh," The father looked uncomfortable again. "Well, you’re still welcome David." With that, he turned and walked across the lawn and back into the immaculate house. The two young men followed him, albeit slower.

As soon as they stepped into the house and shut the door, something jumped on John. Upon further inspection, it appeared to be a girl, with tons of dark hair and green eyes.

"Jooooohn! Why haven’t you visited! This is the first time I’ve seen you since this summer! You’re so mean to me." She let go of him and stood there pouting. She was trying to be intimidating, that was obvious. But in all honesty, her height made her look like a puppy that was trying to be assertive.

Before John could respond, thegirl was going off again. But not about family or John or anything expected. No. Dave seemed to be the topic of her mini rant. “Dave! David Strider. Oh my god, it’s Strider right here in the main house. I haven’t seen you since senior year!” She smiled giddily and hugged Dave.

Dave looked calmly at John as the girl kept hugging him, “Honey. Why didn’t you tell me my ex was your relative?”

"Because, snooky bear, we agreed not to talk about our exes. How would you feel if I went off about Vriska?"

"Vriska? You said you were gay, are you lying to me?" Dave decided the best way to start this whole thing off was by starting an argument.

Jade stopped hugging him and stepped back. She could sense a fight brewing and went silent.

"See! This is why we don’t talk about exes. I made one comment and you already assumed I’ve been lying to you for these past four months."

"So I was right, wasn’t I! You’re not gay and this whole relationship is a fake?"

"No! I would never lie to you. I experimented when I was younger. But what about you and Jade? Gay my ass."

"Hey! I never said I was gay, I said bi. God, how can you forget something like that?"

Just as John was about to respond, another John walked into the room carrying a small child. Except, this John was shorter and prettier, and had boobs. And, unlike John, Dave knew her long before this week.

"Jane?"

The female John looked startled as she heard her name. “Dave?” She remembered him too.

"You dated my sister too!" John near exploded right by him.

"No!" Both Jane and Dave yelled at the same time.

"I mean, she was really close friends with my brother all through high school. We never dated." The blond peeked over his sun glasses, making obvious that he was looking at Jane, "Though I’d like to date that."

"DAVE!" Everyone in the room yelled, making the blonde kid in Jane’s arm freak out.

As she was consoling the brat, yet another John walked into the room. This one really tan and short. Actually, he looked more like male Jade than anything.

"What is going on in here? Who is this fellow?" He looked just as startled as the kid.

"Jake, this is Dave, John’s ass hole friend and-"

"Boyfriend," Dave interrupted Jade’s explanation to correct that one part.

John scoffed in response, “Not for long with that attitude.”

Jade stepped back in to the conversation, “Boys. Let’s not fight, especially not on this kind of holiday. Please.”

The other two nodded in silent agreement.

John’s father stepped back in to the room, “Well, if you are all done yelling, dinner’s about ready.”

John forced a smile, “Yeah. Thanks Dad.”

The old man left the room and everyone filed after him.

They all found their places at a large round table where and old couple was already seated.

"John! There you are. I was just wondering when you’d show up and give your nanna a hug. It’s not nice to keep a lady waiting."

She opened her arms but stayed in her seat.

John walked over to her and allowed her to kiss his cheek. “Hi nanna,” He greeted briefly before she went back into a little spiel.

"What a gentle man you are turning out to be, just like your father." She glanced over her rimmed glasses at Dave, "And who’s your friend over here. It’s not polite to leave introductions undone."

John resumed his place right by Dave, “Nanna, this is my boyfriend Dave.”

The old man who had been quiet up until that point stood up abruptly. “WHAT!!!!!!! You’re gay! You come into my house on this day of thanks giving and tell me you’re gay? The first I hear of you for years and you tell me you have a boyfriend?” That was an exaggeration, John saw them that summer and called them fairly recently. 

"Harold! Sit down."The old lady tugged on his arm, her face red from second-hand embarrassment.

"Hush Betty. I have ass to whoop. Fetch me my musket."

"Poppop!" Jake stood up, "You were completely fine with me being bi, but as soon as you learn John is gay you flip out?"

"I have every right to be upset. You can still give me grandbabies but he can’t!”

"Dad. That doesn’t make sense. Jake already is your grandson." Dad stepped in at that point. He set the dishes on the table then stood by Jake, his arms crossed.

Dave stood up as well, “No. It’s all right Mr. Egbert. I understand.” He turned to the old man who was still awaiting his musket, “You’re just close minded sir, that’s all. You’ve know John for his entire life and yet you can’t accept him for who he really is. I get that.”

Harold’s face got impossibly redder, “What did you just say about me you bastard? BETTY! Get me my god damn musket.”

"Harold!" Betty stood up, "You are acting disrespectful. John can still give you grandbabies because he can adopt. Just because he’s committing a sin doesn’t mean he can’t continue our line. Sit down, you’re over reacting. I mean, he's probably commiting sins with this fellow every night but there is no reason to shoot him."

"Mom!" The father stepped in again.

"James," she countered, "You know gay sex is a sin. That’s the only reason you haven’t found any one to settle down with."

"Mom, I’m not gay,"

"Yes you are, hush up."

"What! Three of my sons are gay!" Harold was at it again.

John stood up, “YES!” He turned Dave around so he wasn’t facing the old people and full on kissed him.

"God fucking damn it! Betty, get my musket!"

"Poppop! We have young ears!" Jane was still sitting, only because the child on her lap. His ears were covered for most of the conversation, but she still had to draw a line.

"No we don’t. Every one here is older than eighteen. And gay apparently."

"Not Seb!" She countered, getting fed up, just like everyone.

Harold noticed the kid and beamed at Jane, “Finally, a son that gave me grandbabies.”

That didn’t run so smoothly with Jane, “Poppop, I’m not your son. I’m your grandchild. Seb would be your great grandchild.”

It took him a moment to process that. “You can’t be the mother. You were never pregenant.”

"I adopted. Roxy and I got him a month ago, remember?"

"Oh yes, Roxy. A nice lass. Why isn’t she here with her son and husband?"

John wasn’t too happy that the attention was off of him. He elbowed Dave roughly in the side, prompting him to do something.

And he did deliver. He grabbed Jade’s hand and pulled her to her feet, seeing as she was the only one sitting any more.

"John. You were right, I lied. I’m not gay, not even bi. I only dated you because you reminded me of Jade. And I knew eventually I could get back to her through you." Now with everyone’s eyes on him, Dave dipped Jade into a deep kiss.

Everyone gasped except Harold who whooped vehemently.

Jade pushed Dave away and slapped him, skewing his sunglasses.

"You jerk, this is why I broke up with you."

"You idiot! This is exactly why I’m breaking up with you!"

Dave turned around to face John, who now had fake tears brimming in his eyes. “What?”

"I’m breaking up with you. Are you stupid?"

"John, sweetie, but why?" He acted confused, and he partially was. He was promised a meal, and if they broke up now, it wouldn’t happen.

"Why! You just kissed my cousin and told me you used me and lied to me! For four months!"

"It. It was a joke?" He offered lamely. "You said your family loved pranks and stuff."

"A joke! That’s so mean. Why. Why would you ever think that this would be okay?"

"Because?"

The fake tears that pooled started falling in fat drops. Damn, Dave knew he was acting, but honestly, it was pretty good. “Why? Today of all days. I just wanted to introduce you to my family and you manage to fuck this up.”

"Language." Jane reminded, but her words fell on deaf ears.

"John. I’m sorry. I don’t know, I’m sorry. I wanted to fit in. God, why are you reacting like this. You’re so wound up, you usually aren’t like this."

"Because I’ve been upset okay? You should have noticed that a few days ago."

"Honey. That doesn’t explain anything. Why are you so upset?"

"I’m nervous about everything okay. And why you ask? Because this." He took a small black box out of his pocket and threw it at Dave.

"I was going to propose after you met my family. But you managed to make me question this entire relationship. Do I even love you Dave?"

Dave picked up the box. It was empty, he could tell by the weight. “Keep it. It’s useless now.”

With tears still streaming down his face, John grabbed his coat and ran out of the house.

"John!" He called out and ran after him. No point in staying with the rest of the family.

John was standing on the lawn, waiting for him. He was chuckling although tears were still cascading down his face. His dynamic had changed yet again and Dave followed suit.

"Damn son. You deserve a grammy."

"You too. Huh, guess you didn’t get your meal."

Dave shrugged, “I got an hour of fun. Plus those fifty bucks you owe me.”

"Well, you can still get some food. Just wait out here for a bit and walk back in saying we made up. You really don’t want to skip out on my family’s cooking."

That sounded like a good plan, except…

"Wait, doesn’t that mean we’ll have to be engaged?"

John shrugged, “We can pretend it. Fifty bucks each time my family wants to spend time with you and then you can die in a horrible accident or something. We can figure it out later. But right now, I think we’ve awkwarded them out enough. They’ll probably ignore us.”

Dave smiled, that actually sounded fun.


	2. Mad at my brother

John slumped against Dave's shoulder, "God. I’m going to have to get a better job because of you." He was probably referring to the agreement to pay fifty bucks every date, and there were a lot of dates. It hadn't even been that long since Thanksgiving, it was only Christmas!

Dave snorted and pushed John off him. "Well it wasn't my idea to get engaged."

James, who was in the room piped up, "Either way, it's happening. But I must say, getting married while still in school is a little stupid. And you've only know eachother for a couple months. But if you feel you're ready, go ahead." 

Dave groaned, God, this kid's family really couldn't keep their noses in their own conversation, he learned that the hard way, several times. But he couldn't really blame them, they had freaking huge noses. Like what the fuck, they're half bird or something.

The blond was jolted from his train of thought when John spoke up. "Actually Dad, there's something Dave and I need to tell you about the wedding."

He set down his paper, "Oh, you finally decided on a date?"

Harold took that as an opening to speak. He removed the pipe from his mouth and cleared his throat, making what he was about to say seem important. "It better be next year when I'm fucking dead," Luckily he was comfortable enough with Dave at that point not to yell it.

John sighed and shook his head, "No, Poppop-"

His thought was cut short as the door bell rang. James got up from his seat, having ignored his father all together, "That must be Jane and Roxy, finally."

While he was gone, Dave leaned over and rested his chin on John's shoulder, "Hey. What are you telling him. We haven't agreed on anything."

The brunette pushed him off, "Be quiet and let me speak okay? We don't need to plan any of this out. This whole shit storm has been improv since the beginning." Well, that was true.

James walked back into the room followed by not two, but three females. Jane, some girl who looked a little younger than John who was holding Seb, and- no, it couldn’t be, but it was. Roxy. Well, of course it was Roxy, he had heard the name thrown around in conversations, but he didn't expect Roxy Lalonde.

He slinked out of the living room to go see where Jade and Jake went. They never really left after Thanksgiving, or so John said, so they had to be around somewhere.

He found them in the kitchen, baking cookies with Betty. Well, baking with gun enthusiasts and an old lady was probably better than talking with Roxy. Dave took his chance and walked over to them.

Meanwhile, John was trying to interrupt Jane's conversation with Poppop on how three women can be in the same relationship despite what he said.

Luckily, James provided one, once again getting tired with his father's antics. "John, You said you and Dave had some news on the wedding? I think you should share that while everyone is here and relatively sober. " He shot a look at his father before going into the kitchen to fetch everybody, thus making it impossible for Dave to escape.

The blond was forced into the sitting room by social convention. He slumped by John and tried to hide behind his tall frame.

"As we all know, Dave and I are engaged," he leaned back to reveal Dave before continuing.

Or rather, he would have continued, had it not been for a certain blond's interruption. No, not Dave. He was keeping his mouth shut.

Roxy, the only other blond in the room besides the kid who was doodling or some shit.

"Dave! Strider! Oh my god!" Her reaction was almost equivalent to Jades. She jumped up from her spot on the couch despite both her romantic partners protests and walked over to him. "I haven't seen you in so long," She grabbed his arm and yanked him up and into a hug. "God, where have you been?"

In all, the whole ordeal was rather friendly, for a bit. Soon it turned something hostile.

"Where have you been young man!" She near pushed Dave back down into his seat next to John. The only force keeping him up was Roxy's grip on his arms, keeping him at arms length. "I haven't heard from you in forever! And what about your poor brother! You haven't talked to him in ages. He's been worried sick about you. Not so much as a call. We all thought you dropped off the face of the earth. The only one you even tried telling was Rose, and you sure didn't tell her much. Every one was worried. You don't just leave like that, you could have been murdered or kidnapped, and we wouldn't know."

She hugged him again. "I missed you. But you are in so much trouble young man."

Jane got up and stood by Roxy. "Rox, what is this all about?" She looked confused. As did everyone else, including John.

"Oh, I guess you fellows don't know. Dirk did keep it undercover. But this hoo dad right her," she gestured to Dave, who was still firmly in her grasp, "Ran away a couple months ago. Like, late October. I don't know why, and honestly, I don't know how he got from the middle of Texas to Washington. But he did, and I'm going to take him back to Dirky. That poor fool is worried sick about this piece of shit."

Dave wormed away from Roxy. "No, I'm not going anywhere. If you were worried, you wouldn't yell at me and call me a piece of shit! How contradictory can you be!" His face was getting a little red and he noticed he as acting like a child. "And, John and I are in love. We're getting married soon, didn't you hear?"

John stood up, and almost instinctively, Dave burrowed into his side. He realized this as well, and blushed, before realizing he was probably just acting. Yeah, he told himself, I'm acting. "Actually, that's what I wanted to talk about. Dave and I aren't getting married. I hired Dave to be my boyfriend. I'm not even gay. He's just a ploy to get you all to pay attention to me."

Dave's face fell. No, John did not just out him. And he said it with such a blank face.

Still stunned, the blond started laughing, it was obviously a false laugh, and only put everyone off more. "John, honey. That's funny. But right now isn't time for your pranks." God, he was just so glad he could use that excuse.

His father was the first to react after that. "David, this is no laughing matter. And Jonathan, you should know better than to make jokes about relationships. Need I remind you of Thanksgiving. Don't joke about these things."

That only frustrated the tall brunette, "No! He really is a hired boyfriend." he pushed Dave away and took out his phone. "Look." He showed the screen to his father.

The man took it and began scrolling through the file that was open. Screen shots of the ad Dave placed, their emails, and the texts they had sent to each other. James stood up, his mouth agape. "It's true. There is no way he could have just made this for a joke. Besides, Roxy said he was in Texas a few months ago, not dating John at Washington State." He lowered the phone and stared at his son, hints of disappointment in his eyes. "John, why would you try and trick us?"

John looked a little uncomfortable, "I was upset right before the holidays so I thought I would give you something to be concerned about so you would check up on me more. But, it got out of hand, and I had to keep him around to make it look real."

Dave just stood their awkwardly and let himself be referred to in simple pronouns. It was like he was a dog that had died or something.

"John." James hugged his son. "I love you, and you should know that. I'm sorry if you felt ignored. But you shouldn't have hired someone to get my attention. I love you, all you have to do is ask."

A little surprised, John hugged back, "I love you too Dad, I'm sorry. But I'll fix the mess I caused."

A little chorus of aws echoed about as if the whole thing was a shitty movie.

"Hey, why's he crying?" A small voice rang out, turning the attention to the man Sebastian was pointing at Dave.

The blond swiped at his eyes, only managing to fling his glasses off his face clumsily, "I'm not," He muttered lowly, still trying to wipe away any moisture on his face. He hadn't even notced he was crying until the kid pointed it out.

"Davey, what's wrong," Roxy pulled him into her arms, again. But this time it was much more tender, but still unwanted.

He pushed her away, "Nothings wrong. Stop bugging me."

He looked towards John. Honestly, he had no idea what to do in this situation, and he thought John would be there for him. He had been for the past few months.

He said nothing. Hell, he was just staring almost blankly at the blond. God, Dave hated it.

Roxy once again tried to console Dave but he pushed her away again. "John." It sounded almost pleading, he was crying again, but he honestly didn't care. And honestly, he had no idea why he was crying. This was bound to happen sooner or later, he was glad it was sooner. But it just made him feel so sad.

It was useless. Unsure of what to do, he looked down, not really willing to look anyone in the face yet. Soon enough, the light from the room was catching up to him now that his glasses were on the floor, so he beat down to pick them up. As he straightened up, he kept his gaze on the floor. He felt a hand on his shoulder, not Roxy's light hand, a firm hand.

Dave looked up to see Harold, "Son, don't start your theatrics again, just walk away like a man."

That was probably the most sensible thing he had heard that man say. And Dave wholeheartedly agreed with it; it actually followed the philosophy he was raised on. But he just couldn't leave it at that.

He looked past the man in front of him to John who too had advert end his eyes , You're the best thing that's happened to me. Don't say it's over." Again, he pleaded. But John made no move. He just stood there with his father.

The blonde took a shaky breath, "Say something please. John."

He didn't say anything. No one else did either.

"Okay." He took another breath to try and calm himself down. "I just, I love you John." He spoke the words without realizing it.

"Son," The voice of Harold came again, "You ruined Thanksgiving with this kind of talk. I won't let you ruin Christmas. You had your chance to leave dignified, and you lost that with your lies. Let's go," He turned around, forcing Dave to follow suit, and marched him to the foyer, gave him his coat, and pushed him out the door. Out into the cold to wander around on Christmas eve.

And that he did. It wasn't something he was unused to, but it was snowy. Snowier than he would have liked, or even tolerated. But the biting cold cleared his head.

With plenty of time to think, he did just that. He came to the conclusion that he did in fact love John, and he had become almost reliant on him. Not just his money, but his warmth and his smile and his presence.

Dave wanted to hit himself. There was no way in Hell he was ever going to see him again. Not only did the Egbert household now hate him, but Roxy was no doubt going to tell Dirk where he was. So he had that to look forward to.

A car pulled up to the curb by Dave and the window rolled down. "Get in the fucking car Dave!"

It was Roxy, of course.

Dave kept walking, but Roxy wasn't having any of it. "I said get in the fucking car. I will pick your scrawny ass up and put you in it myself!" He ignored her. No way Roxy was going to do that, she probably just drank too much and thought that she had to play hero.

He was proven wrong, as he usually was.

Roxy stepped out of the car and jogged over to Dave. She did indeed pick him up and walk back to the car. "I said get in. Don't you dare try and disobey."

She managed to get him and herself into the car.

Miraculously, Dave didn't try to escape. He told himself that he wasn't moving because it was warm and Roxy might take him somewhere where he could stay.

"God. I finally find you and you try to run away after a stunt like that? God, you really are your father's son. Or I guess brothers's brother." She sighed and kept driving, "I'm taking you back to Texas. Tonight. You need to be with your family on Christmas, besides, everyone is worried." She looked to him, expecting a response. She got none.

"And I know what you're thinking. You're thinking that no body was worried, or that nobody cared. And I want to tell you so much how you're wrong for thinking that, but there's only so much words can portray. So I'll tell you this instead. You fucked up. You left home, had no plan, fell in love with a guy who was only using you, and ignored your family. Not only did you act like an idiot, but you thought like one too. You're stupid for thinking any of this was a good idea, and you're stupid for thinking that Dirk doesn't love you, or wouldn't care if you left, or whatever went through your head when you started this. I would say you're stupid for loving Jane's lil bro, but you can't help that."

She sighed again, leaving a spot for Dave to respond but he didn't. "I guess you can't help what you feel, but you should have judged better. You're a smart kid, you just don't think before you act."

That was all she had to say. The two sat in relative silence for a bit before Dave spoke up. "Don't you have a family to be with?"

"Yes. I do. You're family and so are Rose and Dirk. And you need to be with them too." She paused again, "I'd love to be with my two lovlies and my baby, but right now you need to be taken care of."

They drove in silence for a bit before speaking again. "Shiit. I forgot to call Janey." She took a pink phone out of her pocket and threw it at Dave. "In contacts. She's listed as cupcake. Call her and tell her that I found you and I'm driving to Texas."

"What! We're driving? That's going to take all night and day! Can't you drop me off at an airport?"

She shook her head, "Christmas eve sweetie. there are absolutely no flights. Plus, don't take offence, I don't trust you, so if I did find a seat for you, I'd have to find a seat for me and that's twice as impossible."

He slumped in his chair. "Dirk's going to be mad. You know he is."

"Shut up and call Janey. They're still out looking for you."

"They what?"

"Honey. Have you even talked to Harold. He's really delusional. No one but him would have kicked you out. Everyone was looking for you. I happened to find you, and now I'm driving you back home."

He looked down. "Oh," He wondered if John was worried about him. Probably not.

He picked up Roxy's phone and called 'Cupcake ;)'

"Roxy! Did you find him? I wonder if he got on a bus, we've looked the neighbourhood over and he's not here. It's only been half an hour. How fast can he walk?" cam Jane's worried voice as soon as the phone was answered.

"Jane. Calm down. I'm fine. Roxy has me, she's driving me back to Texas."

Despite the conversation, he smiled. At least he knew someone was worried about him.

"Oh good, you're safe. But to Texas! How long will that take? Give her phone to her please."

Dave handed the phone to Roxy who took it.

"Yeah. I know, I really want to be there. But this poor kid, he needs to be with his brother........ I kinda think his emotional well being is more important than our first Christmas as a family........ We have next year..........Sweety, as much as I love you, I honestly would rather drive twelve hours straight than spend Christmas with your grandpa......... Well especially after what he just did. Plus, I'm not too happy with John either............. wait, maybe that will work.... Bye cupcake, love ya. Oh, tell Calliope I love her too."

She hung up the phone and pulled over to the side. "We're going back for my lovelies. Janey says we can use the jet."

That only confused Dave more, "Jet."

"Yeah. Jet. The Crocker Rocket. It's a couple hours away of course, but better than driving to Texas. Plus we can only use it if Janey's there. So that means I can be with both my families for Christmas."

"Oh."

Roxy pulled a u-turn and started driving back.

"Hey Rox, you think John was looking for me?" He asked in a small voice as they neared the suburbs. He hated the way his voice sounded, it made him sound like he was fifteen rather than twenty one.

Roxy shrugged, "Maybe. Didn't ask."

"Kay." Dave pulled his legs up onto the seat and rested his head there.


	3. What the Hell

A solid smack sounded through the air, followed by a colletive gasp.

"Dirk! What the Hell!" Rose was up out of her seat first, loudly protesting what just happened, though Dirk ignored her.

Dave staggered back, having been caught off guard with the slap. He could withstand much worse, but he was surprised. Sure he expected an awkward welcome, maybe a strife, but not a slap across the face.

The shorter blonde glared at his brother over the tops of his glasses, "Yeah Dirk, what the Hell?"

The tallest blonde got into a fight stance, assuming Dave would try to hit him back. But he didn't answer the question.

"I come home and the first thing you do is slap me like some abusive ass hat?" Dave made no move to attack.

"You fucking leave because I hurt your feelings an itty bitty bit and waltz right back in here like nothing happened?"

"Fuck you! I'm an adult. I can do whatever the hell I feel like doing. I didn't have to tell you where I was going or why."

"Dirk. Dave, stop it!" Roxy stepped between them, but that didn't stop the conversation.

"Legal doesn't mean family. How would you feel if I just left?"

"I would feel pretty damn good considering you're such a dick. You only use family as an excuse when it benefits you! Where was family when I got arrested, or the time I was upset and you told me to man up, or the time i needed financial help for school and you just fucking laughed?"

Dirk narrowed his eyes, "Is this what your passive aggressive shit is about? You ran away because I wouldn't pay for your college fees? Pitiful, no wonder you didn't get a scholarship."

Dave snarled, "That doesn't mean I don't want to learn or don't need an education to get a god damn job! Not everyone is fucking smart like you."

"Yeah, I noticed."

Dave lunged at his brother, fed up with his cocky attitude.

Dirk reacted almost immediately and pushed him against the wall mid lunge.

"Let go of me," Dave snarled and spat on his brother's face.

That only got hm a punch in the face, "Ass," Dirk simply put before letting go of his brother and walking away.

"Dirk!" Roxy followed him out of the room, probably to lecture him or some crap.

Dave started walking to his room, Rose following after him.

He opened the door and let out a sigh of relief. At least Dirk hadn't changed this. He slumped onto the messed up bed and buried his face in the pillow. He felt Rose sit down at the foot of the bed, her weight making the creaky mattress dip, but he honestly didn't want to notice, so he pretended he didn't.

"Dave," She started softly.

"Can it Lalonde. I'm tired and don't want to talk." He shoved his head further into the pillow.

"You can't run from your emotions. No one can."

He whipped around and glared at her. "Is that a fucking pun!"

"No." She sighed, "I mean, you can't pretend leaving will change relations or how people feel. Pretending you don't feel them won't make anyone's feelings leave, and masking them only hurts you. I mean that you and Dirk need to talk."

"What! No, you saw how he handled talking. He's an ass."

She sighed again, "He acts that way because he's running from his emotions as well."

"I don't think he has emotions."

"He does," She reassured him, "He has no idea how to handle them though. Where as you turn to anger when life gets rough, he turns to violence or physical exertion. Your facade is much easier to break, but his is easier to get to."

A pause followed.

"Dave. He blamed himself when you left. He spent all night crying, but in the morning there was no trace of emotion in him. He didn't eat breakfast and went straight to the gym. He came back. I don't think he ever left the gym. The next week he spent in his lab, he only ate when Roxy forced him to. And for the past couple of months he's been more silent and stoic and working a lot more. He buries himself in work so no one knows he blames himself. He thinks emotions make him weak, so he pushes himself until he can't feel.

But when you showed up, it was another torrent of emotions to handle. He didn't have enough time to push himself enough not to feel. And he certainly couldn't show regret or shame in front of you, so he covered it up with violence. Just like you're acting angry now.

Both of you have hidden your feelings for so long, that when you don't have enough time to shove everything under the bed, you act out like this. You are too hot headed, and honestly you need to overcome your petty fear of being human and talk to eachother."

The blond didn't say anything, he just shifted so his head wasn't on the pillow but on Rose's lap.

She took his glasses off and set them on the bedside table. Absently she ran her fingers through his hair.

Finally he said something. "You talk too much. But I can talk to him as long as you mediate. and make sure he doesn't flip out and throw a fit."

She smiled just a tad, "I can do that, as long as Roxy is there to make sure you don't flip and throw a hissy fit either."

"Kay," He agreed after a minute, "Can you make him come in here, I'm comfy,"

Rose rolled her violet eyes, "No, you can get up, you big baby."

He groaned, but stood up, freeing Rose. He grabbed his glasses before exiting behind Rose.

Dirk was already sitting in the living room, slouched on the couch, eating a cupcake.

Holy fuck cupcakes? No way Dirk made them. And no way Rose bought them, she hated sweets.

As soon as he stepped into the room, Jane rushed over. Probably the source of the cupcakes. Only the Crocker could make such a treat in half an hour.

"Dave, are you okay?" She tilted his face to inspect the red mark on his face. Just like a doting mother, "Oh, I wish you boys weren't so rough."

"Jane, dear, you don't have much room to talk." Calliope spoke up from her spot on the couch. "You nearly killed Caliborn your bare hands."

"He deserved that, and he didn't die." Jane near pouted. "Besides, I tried talking to him before I hit him."

Dave would have chuckled had it not been for the situation. He had gotten used to having Jane around, and felt her antics charming.

He sat down on the armchair after grabbing a cupcake.

Rose sat down on the arm of the chair. "Alright, Jane, would you and Calliope leave the room?" She acted as if she were in charge of the meeting.

Jane huffed, "I don't see why I should."

"Because this is a personal talk and you aren't family."

"Excuse me miss. I'm as much family to these fellows as you are. I've known Dirk since Kindergarten and Dave since he was a babe. The only thing that makes you closer with them is that you live with them."

Rose sighed. "You are right, but I think it'd be beneficial if there were as little people as possible in the room."

"Fine." Jane relented, giving into logic.

She pried a cupcake from Seb's hand, but the poor thing was already mauled and half of it was on his face. "I'll go cook some dinner."

She left the room, Calliope following after, sensing the tension in the room.

As soon as they were out of the room, Rose began anew. “Dirk, I think Dave has something he'd like to tell you."

Dirk didn't say anything, neither did Dave until he was elbowed in the face by Rose.

"You're an ass," He blurted out.

Dirk looked at Roxy. "You said this was going to be civilized."

Roxy rolled her eyes, "It supposed to be, but getting you two to talk is about as hard as training monkeys to talk in French."

Rose sighed, "You two talk. No one is leaving this room until that's accomplished."

The eldest sighed and shifted his position so he was facing Dave full on. "Dave, I think you act like a child, and it frustrates me. Not only do you insult me every chance you get, but you throw ugly little fits every time something doesn't go your way."

Dave sneered, only to be elbowed again. This time not in the face. "Well, I think you're uncaring. You think your way of living life is the only way to live. If I do something that you didn't do, it's like you refuse to acknowledge it as a good or reasonable thing."

"It's not that, you actually suggest things that are horrible ideas and think they're great. I'm not close minded, I just can actually think. Unlike you,"

"Hey. Personal attack." Roxy chimed in, picking up a squirtbottle from the cofee table and squirted him. 

"Roxy, what the hell!" Dirk covered his face with his arms, nearly hissing at the water.

"Penalty for personal attack." She clarified.

Dirk rolled his eyes. "I mean, you think your ideas are great when I can clearly see they are not. And you call me closed minded for noticing flaws. That's unfair."

"Good." Roxy praised softly off to the side.

"So you're the only one that can make mistakes, is that it? Because some of your ideas are absolute shit, but that never stops you."

"Oh yeah? Name one time."

"What about the time that I asked you sincerely for help and you laughed in my face so I legally left and the next time I saw you you fucking slapped me!" Dave stood up.

Rose picked up the squirt bottle and squirted him, "Offensive stance, rising voice, personal attack,"

"Hey! He asked for it!" The shorter blond protested as he sat back down.

The violet eyes girl looked at her sister who shrugged, "Technically Dirk did ask."

Dirk ignored the two girls, "That's completely different. You-"

Dave cut him off, "Why is it different, Because you're at fault this time?"

"Oh my god shut up and let me finish a sentance will you?"

Rose turned to Dave and squirted him, "Interupting."

He glared at her, "A little late dontcha think?"

Rose rolled her eyes. 

Dirk sighed and continued, his jaw tight set, "Your half assed plans are not the same as me reacting to something in a way I see fit."

Dave's malicious gaze shifted to his brother instead, "I don't see why you think reacting like that is reasonable. You just said you can think shit through, why not use your apparently unique and unatainable level of intelligence to figure out why your insane reactions are bad ideas."

"I don't have to because I see them as reasonable before I act."

"I don't think that's a valid argument because I did what I saw as reasonable and you acted like a dick."

"That's because what you felt was stupid and affected others outside of you,"

"The fuck does that mean," Dave stood up again.

"Offensive stance," Rose blurted out, squirting him again. 

"Can it Lalonde." He took the squirt bottle from her and pointed at Dirk. "Being a dick, thinking rules apply to everyone but himself, double standards, ugly hair, terrible personality, lack of sympathy," He squirt his brother with a stream of cold water as he named off each of his offenses,

"Hey!" Dirk stood up as well, "Stop that you piece of shit."

Although Rose ahd lost control of her Strider, Roxy had not, "Offensive stance, personal attack."

Dirk whiped around to face her with a slight growl, "Stop that."

That only got him water in his face, "Offensive tone,"

Still fed up and riding on The adrenaline that came anger, Dirk grabbed the bottle out of her hand his pushed her down, "I said stop."

Roxy was thrown off balance and onto the floor. Despite her attitude, she was still nearly half the size of Dirk.

"Oh hell no," She swung a leg out from her position on the floor, effectively kicking Dirk in the groin. Hard.

He let out a yelp before falling onto the couch.

Rose stared. "Roxy?"

Roxy stood up and brushed her self off. "Self deffense. Plus what Dave said was true. Except the ugly part." She shrugged a bit before wincing and rubbing her shoulder. "Damn. I'm going to be bruised."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I don't understand how fights work.
> 
> also. i'm going to end it there.
> 
> alo, i'm sorry dirk lovers. i swear he usually isnt like this, but he's a bit of a dick beause fo emotions. he'll be better in a bit. im reallly sorry. i love dirk, i just needed a strong opposition.


	4. I fucked up

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> really short i mo so sorry  
> i dont know what mty life is any more

"Dad? Do you think I'm a bad person?" John sat at the table, stirring his cow mein with a single chopstick.

His father looked up from his own take out, a little surprised that John was speaking. He hadn't said a word since three that after noon. No one really had. Except Nanna who got on top of chastising Poppop and Jane who leapt into action.

"No John. I don't think you're a bad person. I think you're a person. Every one is a person, and it's hard to categorize them as good or bad. So no, not a bad person, just a person."

John sighed. He honestly didn't need this lecture right now. He just wanted a straight answer. "But you're not proud of what I did."

It took James a little longer to answer that time. "No. I'm not. I'm disappointed, not because of what you did, but why you did it. Your actions today, and I suppose for the last couple of months were compulsive. You didn't take the time to think out what could happen or who would get hurt, you just acted. I'm disappointed in that."

John groaned, "So I'm a bad person?"

"No, you're a person. And just that. You made a mistake, just like everyone else could have made. And just because you're human doesn't make you a bad person."

John stood up, leaving the food he didn't even want on the table. "I'm calling Jane."

Jade stood up. "John. You shouldn't. You're only going to get information you don't want. Sit down."

He sighed and shook his head, "I don't want to."

Jade in return sighed. "You're acting super mopy. I don't understand."

He shrugged and left, drawing out his cell phone as he walked away.

He could hear them talk about him as he walked away.

The young man stood in his bedroom, his phone pressed against his ear, waiting in anticipation for the phone to be picked up. He asn't worried much about his sister, although in the past, she always proved to be on his side.

It probably would do him good to talk with her, and to get information out of her.

"Hello?" After the third ring, the phone was answered only to reveal voice that most definitely not Jane.

"Um. Who is this?" He asked, confusionriddling his words.

"This is Rose. And who might you be, ghost hunter?" Her voice sounded smug. Damn Jane's contact list.

"This is John."

"Oh, John." God damn, she sounded so smug. Who the hell was this chick any way, "The same John that ruined Egbert home Christmas and broke lil Davey's heart."

God, fucking knife in the wound right there. "Yes that John. Where is my sister?"

"Fighting two boys hopped up on angst and hormones"

"What the hell is going on there?"

"Well. Dave and Dirk started fighting with spray bottles and then it got physical really fast. This is usual, I mean, they spar a lot, but that's usually safer than this. Anyway. Jane tried to get them to stop, but then she got hit and then I think she mentally said fuck it and decided to fight them? It's interesting to watch. If Roxy were here, she would pull them apart and scold them all, but Roxy is laying on the couch because Jane refused to let her move from there because Dirk got frustrated and hit her and Jane is super conned about her shoulder. Sebastian is trying to play with a toad and wait," She pulled the phone away from her head, a soft call sounding like 'Callie' was heard.  
"Well now Callie is getting Seb, but he seems to hate her for it, Jane kicked Dirk in the stomach just barely. Sebastian is screaming, Dirk is making a sarcastic comment. Seb hit Calliope, he's going to be in trouble for that one. Dave punched Dirk for his comment, Jane tried to intercept them-  
"Oh my god. John, I'm hanging up, oh my god, there's so much blood."

She hung up before finishing her spiel. Blood? What?

He closed the phone worriedly. Who was bleeding? Dave? Jane? Callie?

He walked back downstairs. "Dad. Jane got into a fight and now she's going to the emergency room. I think." 

James stood up, "What?" He took out his phone, a much simpler flip phone. Hurriedly he waked into the other room.

John sat at the table, pushing his left out chow mein out of the way.

"Wanna play cards?" He offered meekly to his cousin who were sitting in just as much anticipation as he was.

Jake spoke first of the two, "Uh, sure. I think it would be good to get our minds off this."

John drew a deck of cards out his pocket and began shuffling them, almost absent mindedly.

Three rounds of mow later, James came back into the room. "Jane is fine, But Seb isn't. I only got half the story because Rose didn't understand what was happening, obviously none of the boys did either. Callie was crying too hard and Roxy wasn't there. From what I got from Roxy's translation was that Sebastian was playing with a weird animal so Callie went to stop him. but we all know Seb, he hate's basically everyone but Jane telling him what to do, so he screamed kicked her in the face and ran towards Jane who was in the middle of a three man trained martial artist fight and he got kicked in the face."

Jake cleared his throat, "That sounds fantastic sir, but hows everyone doing?"

"Well, they are in the emergency room. I think while the doctors are looking at Seb, who passed out, the nurses are going to bandage up the boys and Jane." He sighed, "I hate how far away they are right now."

"Dad, would you like to play cards?" John held up the deck after a moment of silence.

He nodded.


	5. You fucked up

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Okay, i'm sory. instead of having one long chapter, have two really bad ones.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Ah, I'm not sure if I made it clear. But my head canon is that Dirk has a little mental illness that makes it hard for him to understand certain social conducts and other peoples way of thinking. He's not a dick, just a little socially impaired? IDK if there's a name, there probably is.

Jane came back from the back room, pristine white bandages sticking of of her clothes in odd places. She stood calmly in front of the rows of chairs that everyone was sitting on.

"Honestly, I'm appalled." Her face was eerily calm. It was very different from before when she was yelling at both of them to stop.

Calliope let a choked sob escape, feeling the words Jane was speaking were directed at her. She was the only one crying, even though everyone expected Jane to join her soon.

Instead, the raven headed girl shook her head, "I'm appalled," She began again, "At this situation. At myself, and at you two," She pointed to the blond boys who sunk lower in the hard plastic chairs, similar bandages littering their beings too.

"You two are so childish and ignorant that you can't stop fighting for one minute. I bet even right now, you two are thinking of how much you hate each other, blaming the other for what happened. I just have one thing to say. Get over yourself. Don't express your displeasure with stupid actions that affect others as well as yourself. Sure I can understand you are upset and most of what you are doing is off of how you feel and not how you think. But you can't use that as an excuse constantly. You should have learned to think the first time something like this happened. Unless you two change your way of dealing with things, situations like this are going to pop up more and more, and you'll know that you had a hand in the causing of the problem."

She ran her fingers through her hair. A couple hours ago it look nice, but now it was dishevel and getting greasy from all the times she ran her fingers through it. "Just get over yourselves. Talk to each other. You're family god dammit. You're going to tear at each other because of the bond and in spite of that bond, to destroy it while trying to strengthen or prove it." Her eyes glanced at the clock on the wall behind them. "Merry Christmas ass holes."

Both of the Striders looked at each other. Dave's phone beeped, Midnight.

With that, Jane went over to Calliope, who was being comforted by Roxy. She squatted down so her face could be seen by the younger woman. "Callie, please don't cry. I hate seeing someone so upset, especially if they did nothing wrong." 

Calliope looked up, tears still brimming in her eyes, "But it's my fault. I made him want to go to you." She tried covering her face with her hands, 

"No sweetie," Jane took her hands away from her face, "You didn't do anything wrong. Don't blame yourself for something like this. It was all a big accident, and a lot of people played parts in it." She gave her a small peck on the lips before looking over at Rose. "Rose. Can you take the boys home. I'm going to wait here until he gets out."

Rose nodded and stood up, beckoning for them to follow. 

Dave reluctantly got up out of his seat, Dirk following only a moment after.

"Both of you are sitting in the back seat, all right?" Rose hadn't said a word until the got to her little buggy.

Although she had broken the spell of silence, they still hadn't. They climbed into the car in utter silence, and it stayed that way until all the doors to the small car were shut.

"Jane is right. About most things. You do need to get over your emotions and actually talk to each other. But I don't think you hate each other and that's not why you refuse to talk to each other. I think you care too much. You both feel you have to be super strong and apathetic to be cool in each others eyes. You care too much, not about each other or yourself, but about frivolous things such as opinions. I can almost guarantee you, both of you are thinking relatively similar things." That was all she said on the drive back to the house. 

Rose walked in like she owned the place, as usual, but she turned curtly to face them when they were still in the doorway. "Talk it over and apologize before Roxy gets home, because she is gong to rip your throats out. And you can't very well talk when you're dead. I'm going to bed, don't wake me up unless it's for dinner. Merry Christmas."

Dirk resumed his spot on the couch. Though this time, not sprawled out. He toed off his sneakers and drew his knees up, curling in on himself. "I think you're an idiot. Not in an intellectual sense, but in a life sense. You do stupid things."

Dave scoffed and sat on the arm char, drawing the quilt draped over the back on top of him. "I think you're judgemental and equally irrational when it comes to life."

Dirk frowned, "That's not fair."

"How is it not fair? You're smart, but you don't think in social situations, you act."

"I have mental debilitations."

"Honey, a lot of us do but we still manage to do things. And a lot of us don't but they manage to fuck things up. And even if something standing in your way, it doesn't mean it doesn't hurt other people."

"It's not my fault I hurt people!"

"I don't care. You still hurt people. The least you can do is realize it, swallow your fucking pride and apologize."

Dirk shrank back a little, biting the inside of his cheek for a moment. "I'll apologize if you do."

"Fine. I'm sorry. Okay? I'm sorry that I left because I wanted too, I'm sorry for wanting to be away, and I'm sorry that I did what I want, is that what you wanted to hear?"

Dirk scowled, "I'm sorry I have a shitty brother. And I'm sorry he doesn't understand how much of an idiot he is."

Dave flipped him off, "Real good apology there, totally didn't hurt my self esteem."

Dirk rolled his eyes, "You started it."

"But I didn't say anything that hurt your feelings."

"You don't know that. Just because you didn't use a personal attack doesn't mean that it didn't hurt me."

"Yeah, because saying I left totally hurt your feelings."

"It did actually."

Dave paused, "What?"

"You hurt my feelings."

"No it didn't don't joke, you sound like an ass,"

"And you sound like an ass for downplaying my emotions." Dirk took a little breath, "You hurt my feelings when you say you want to leave. I've been here for you my whole life and I hate it when you say shit like that. What did I ever do wrong that makes you hate being with me so much?"

Dave felt a little guilty, "The way you treat me. You treat me like I'm lesser just because I'm not what you expected me to be. And you expecting things of me hurts me. Like I have to live up to all these set goals otherwise I won't be loved by the only family I have, and if I don't reach them it's like I'm not good enough, not good enough to reach them and not good enough to be loved."

Dirk nodded a little bit, "Sorry. I didn't mean to make you feel like that. I always will love you, I just get confused when you do things that I wouldn't expect you to do or things I wouldn't do if I were in your position. But it really hurt when you left. Like all my short comings as a guardian drove you away and I wasn't going to get my brother back. It was like I was the bro in this situation, except I actually want you, but I'm just not capable of handling of living in the same house as you."

"I'm sorry. Dirk. I love you," Dave got up from the couch, trailing the blanket he draped over himself as he walked over to the couch Dirk was sitting on. He sat Down next to his brother and almost instinctively curled into his side, just like old times, he thought. "Sorry I left."

"Love ya too."

The door swung open and Roxy walked in. "It's all great that you two are cuddling again, but you better back your shit up. Get your shoes on and get into the car. Right the fuck now. Callie, wake up rose, put her in the car too."\

Dirk stood up as soon as Roxy started speaking, "Why what happened? Is Seb okay, where's Jane."

"Oh yeah, Seb's fine. A minor concussion, broken nose and seven stitches on his cheek. Now, get in the car." She said it so casually, Dave just knew something was afoot.

"Where's Jane?" Dirk repeated, tension coming off of him in waves.

"She's at the local police station. Get in the car," With that Roxy left. Rose and Calliope came out of the hallway and hurriedly followed after her. 

Dirk hesitated a moment before dashing out of the house, forgetting about shoes.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> WOOOOT Lazy cliche feelings. Whatever./


	6. Chapter 6

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> DRAMA BOMB

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> hoo boy, three chapters in one day. It's ridiculous how you can want to die yet be so productive so you don't think about brutally ending you miserable life. HAHAHAHA, what a great moral. Stay in school kids. :D

Jane sat at the table, facing a police officer, visibly shaking. She wanted to stand up at yell at this woman, but she had to restrain herself lest she get into more trouble.

"Officer, I understand why you might be concerned, but I assure you, there is absolutely nothing to be concerned about. I didn't hurt my son, and neither did any of his family. It was someone else, and completely on accident." 

The officer in question glared at her, "I'll decide that,"

"No, you won't. You have no right to. Only a social service worker from my area of residence may. You are doing your job by being suspicious and retaining me as you see fit as long as it remains humane and just, but you have no right to tell me I am raising my son wrong."

"So abusing a poor kid that doesn't have parents and claiming to be his mother isn't wrong?"

"I am his mother, I have adoption forms back at my house."

The officer rolled his eyes, "You are clearly not is mother. He said his parents are dead."

"Yes, his birth parents! He hit his head, he probably has a concussion. I'm sure if you would just let me see him he would recognise me!"

"I'm not going to let you trigger that poor kid." 

"TZ, help," a head peeked around the corner of the door, a boy, "The kid won't stop screaming. What do I do?"

"God If I know. What did you do Sollux?" The TZ cop stood up.

"Absolutely nothing! I was talking to him in a quiet voice like you said. Why can't you talk to him?"

"Because for some reason he hates me. I think it's because I'm female," The officer shot Jane a dirty look. "Did you say something?"

"No! He just started screaming that he was lost and wanted his lovely. What the fuck does that even mean?" The guys lisp was starting to come out.

The female officer shrugged, "Just make sure he doesn't do anything strenuous. He just came from the hospital. Now shoo, I have to get back to my investigation." 

Sollux rolled his eyes and ducked out again, only to pop his head back in. "He stopped screaming, but only because a family just walked through the door."

The woman sighed and stood up, "Bring them in."

The male nodded and ducked out again, only to be followed back in by a family. Jane's family.

Roxy spoke first. "Janey, oh my god my lovely. I don't even know why you're here but I'm here for you, She started rushing towards her wife but was cut short by the woman officer, 

"Excuse me. Please stay away from the convict."

Roxy pulled a 'Are you serious right now. I'm not taking this shit' face and responded, her hip cocked, "Listen lady, I don't know who you are talking about, but Jane is probably one of the sweetest girls I ever had the pleasure of meeting. Why is she in here?"

"Suspected child abuse."

"Wait, where's Sebastian?" Dirk spoke up from the back of the group.

"In the front with the other cop," Jane spoke up, having not moved from the hard metal chair she was stationed at.

"Hush missy," The girl turned to look at Jane. "Now, visitors are all dandy, but I don't think you're here for me or Sollux." She grabbed a nearby binder off a different desk, "Tell me names and relations to this woman before we get started."

Roxy, once again started, "Roxy Lalonde, wife, This is Calliope English, also wife. Dirk Strider brother in law, Dave Strider brother in law, Rose Lalonde, sister in law.'

The female cop jotted it down before calling into the other room, "Hey, ya sack of shit, get like, five chairs out."

A shout was heard from the other room. 

The police officer looked at Dave, "I know I'm on the job and have to be professional, but damn. I'd tap that brother in law. Too bad he's related to terrible people."

Sollux walked into the room, five fold up chairs under his arms, "Wow, Terezi, real subtle there." He rolled his eyes as he began setting up chairs

Terezi scoffed, "You'd tap that too if you weren't head over heels for prissy pants."

He flushed a bit, "I told you, he only hired me as a security guard, there’s- hey. We're working, shut up."

She rolled her eyes, "All right, convict's relatives, sit down. I'll tell you why this perpetrator is here."

They all sat down and looked at her expectantly, "The hospital gave us a call. Sometimes they do, usually abusers, sometimes criminals or whatever. Well, we go in, and there’s a lesbian trio and an unconscious kid with seven stitches and a broken nose. Of course we suspected abuse. So we took the lesbian leader in and the kid. Now, we're just waiting on social services to get here."

"Bull cocky! I live in Washington! You can't legally have social workers here over see me and my family. Only in Washington. Give me a police escort or something back home and then you can." Jane spoke up, feeling she had held her tongue long enough.

"Pfffft. I'm not escorting anyone, it's Christmas. I want to go home to my family. What about you TZ?"

"Yeah, I totally want to go home to my lawyer mother so she can tell me how much of a disappointment I am in wasting my lawyer talents and witness my sister make out with your brother. I'll take em, besides, sign me up for spending time with the brother in law.'

"I'll get the kid." Sollux left the room.

Roxy spoke next, "Do we have time to grab bags. Cause if we're going to Washington, I need my clothes and Christmas presents."

Terezi shrugged, "What the Hell, it's Christmas. We'll leave in a minute. You have you're own car right?"

The blonde nodded, "Yes." She turned to Jane, excitement in her eyes, "Janey, We can have a huge family Christmas now. I'll text James and keep him up to date."

Jane nodded in agreement, "I think he'll be happy to have family over. Plus, give him an excuse to cook more."

"I don't think I'll go," Dave spoke up, "I'm super glad you're okay Jane, but I spent too much time with your family. I'd rather spend my day with the hot police chick."

Roxy eyed him, "Don't you want to spend Christmas with your family? You just made up with Dirk and it's been a month since we've seen you. Please?"

Dave shifted, feeling more than just Roxy;s eyes on him, "Fine, I'll go, but I'm going to go on a date with, Terezi was it?" She nodded, grinning, "Yeah, Terezi. Going on a date with her. But I can be with you for dinner and whatever."

Roxy sighed, "Fine."

Terezi smiled, "Great, well, if we're all set, I'll call up Abel Rocha" She took out her phone and stepped into the other room just as Sollux stepped back in. "Mommy!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!" Seb started screaming as soon as he saw Jane. He started kicking the man to get away, however, his hold on him was good. 

"Mommy. I'm sorry!" He started crying reaching for her. 

When she didn't return the favour, he gave up, lying limp in the police officers arm, just crying.

"The fuck?" Sollux questioned as he sat down at a table. "Hey, buddy, why are you crying?" He tried asking him calmly, but it was obvious he was clueless as what to do in the situation.

"Cause." Came Sebastian's reply, wiping at his eyes, "I got arrested like bad people do and now mommy doesn't love me."

That only befuddled him more, "What do you mean? You said your mother was dead."

"Mother is dead, but Mommy's right there. And mommy's not smiling. And neither are lovelies and that means they don't love me." He kept his face down, and finally, Jane couldn't sit by and watch.

She stood up and walked over to the officer, she squatted down to be eye level with Sebastian, "Hey sweetie, I think you got things a little backwards. Mommy is the one who got arrested, and she still loves you very much, so do her lovelies. We're just a little worried right now. Nobody's upset at you or about anything you've done. In fact, we're all very happy to see you. We were all worried because you had to go to the hospital."

He looked up, "Why did I have to go to the hospital. Is that why my face hurts?"

"Yep. You got hit in the face on accident. But it was a strong hit, so you fell down and you probably don't remember it. The doctors say you might have a concussion, but we had to go talk to the police before the results came back."

He nodded a little bit, "What's a concushion?"

"Its when you hit your head hard and you forget things or your brain doesn't work the same for a little bit. In fact, what's the last thing you remember?"

He looked down again, "I remember I was naughty. And I kicked lovely in the face. And that's why I thought I was in jail."

Jane looked a little upset at that, "You kicked her in the face? Why would you do that? You know that’s not a good thing to do."

"Because she didn't want me to be friends with the frog I found. And I was going to go get you but she wouldn't let me and I didn't want to be held by her so I kicked her... But I'm sorry mommy! I'm sorry lovely." He looked up from his lap at Calliope.

She smiled, "It's all right sweetie."

"Mommy. I wanna go home. My face hurts."

Sollux decided then to step in. "Ma'am, go back to your seat, I need to ask him a couple questions while he is calm."

She shrugged and sat back down, taking Roxy's hand in her own. 

"Sebastion, Did anyone here ever hurt you."

"YES! One time I got yelled at for hitting Hal even though Hal is stupid, and another time for dumping flour everywhere and a bunch of other times. And they all hurt my feelings. 

"Okay, well I don't know if that's okay... We'll check it out."

Terezi cam back into the room. "Well, I got Abel to agree to fly us to Washington, but he's going to take his boyfriend and his boyfriends plane. Congrats y'all get to fly on the Betty Crocker airlines.

"Oh! Abel is William's boyfriend? How cute." Roxy smiled, "Well, let's get going. We can get there before seven."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> TZ's not totally blind. Like, has really bad cataracts and refuses to get lazer eye surgery that would help her. So she can see shapes and coulours.  
> Also, headcanon that seb calls roxy and calliope lovlies because thats what my ot3 reffers to eacher as.  
> Abel Rocha-aimless renegade  
> Seb is very emotional. IDk, i dont understand babs.  
> woot, making up laws and not researching, do not take my understanding of legal shit as docterine.


	7. Merry Christmas, finally.

John opened the door, a bow in hand. He beamed as he swung the door open to reveal Jane, who by this point looked like death, bags under her eyes, dishevelled greasy hair, a small child in her arms, and a sense of dread lingering in here blue eyes.

Still, this was the optimal time to pull his suave prank skills, though what he was about to do was more of a joke.

He popped the Christmas bow on Jane's sweaters, proud of himself. "Jane, you're all I want for Christmas," he leaned over and gave her a peck on the cheek.

That managed to make here smile, "Merry Christmas to you too John. Now let us in, we need to figure out sleeping arrangements then go down to the police department."

He stepped aside, allowing everyone to come in. Frankly, he was excited. Christmas was always fun, and now a second family was going to join them, twice the fun.

"Why do you have to go to the police department?"

Jane shrugged and put a sleeping web down on the couch, "Suspected child abuse. It'll only take an hour, you think you can wait on opening presents until we get back?"

"Oh, sure. It's going to take a while for everyone to wake up. They stayed up till two playing mow. Mostly to wait for news from you, but also because Jake kept forgetting the rules and demanded retries. And then poppop joined and he kept speaking so he got all the cards."

Jane smiled, "Wish I was here to play," She ruffled his hair the way she always did before grabbing Seb again, "Calliope, Seb, Roxy and I will take the big bed room, Dirk can sleep with you and Jake, Rose can go with Jade, and if Dave spends the night he can share the couch with Bec. John, make sure everyone gets acquainted; the Striders and Lalondes will probably be staying for a while. They'll stay here because of Christmas with family or whatever Roxy says, and I don't want to fly them back around the holidays, and the jet is out of the question, William needs a break, I made him fly twice in the same night."

It was clear her patience was wearing thin. She kissed Roxy and Calliope good bye before leaving. 

John sighed before flopping down on the couch, "So, where is Dave?" He directed the question towards the tall man who looked a little bit like Dave.

"He has a date with a sexy cop." Roxy answered for him, sitting down next to the brunette boy. She pulled Calliope onto her lap. "It's a shame that Janey wants us to wait to open presents. I've hauled those stupid things around all day to make sure they get to the right people." She kissed Calliope, "I got all three of us matching, outfits." 

The ways he emphasized outfits, John knew, it wasn't outfits they we're talking about. He stood up and walked away, "God, do I need to get clean sheets on the king bed in the basement."

Roxy stuck her tongue out, Calliope only blushed, "There's no funky monkey going on tonight, we have a kid sleeping with us. Besides, won't Jade be down the hall? Don't want to subject that cutie to that."

Rose took Johns seat, "But it's perfectly fine to subject your sister to such woes?"

"Yep, because you've heard me frick before, and you've heard Dirk frack before, and you've heard Dave patty whack before."

"Fair point. But need I remind you at least three more people will be in the house."

"Actually a lot more. An old couple, a lonely single man, two cousins and one boy who can't be bothered to hear the word panties uttered allowed," she shot a glance at John.

"Roxy. No body wants to hear about your panties." Dirk stepped in. "John, was it, could you sow me where I'm staying? I'd like to take a nap."

"Yeah, sure." He walked up to his room, making sure the boy was following him, "So you're Dirk right?"

"Yes. I'm Dave's older brother."

"Cool," he opened the door to his bedroom to reveal Jake who was still dead on his bed, "I can get a cot or you can sleep on the bed. I guess that's creepy though. I would have had a cot set up but I didn't get around to it. If you wait twenty minutes I can get one."

"Nah, it's cool. I've been awake for over twenty four hours, so I'd just like to sleep."

John shrugged and closed the door after him, leaving Dirk to flop onto the bed. The boy who was already sleeping there was pretty small, and neither of them seemed like they would be conscious anytime soon, so he honestly didn't care. Plus, he was used to sleeping in strangers beds.

John walked back downstairs to accompany the girls. He sat down on the floor in front of the couch and looked up at them, "So, you must be Rose. Or as I like to call it, the only girl in the house that has not tried to fuck my sister."

"But, Nanna and Jade are in the house," Calliope pointed out.

John shrugged, "While remaining unrelated."

"Oh John, poor naive John, how do you know I've never tried to fuck your sister. She's been over at my house several times. Maybe we have had an affair." 

"Rosey, you're a complete virgin outside of Kanaya," Roxy stepped in.

"Not true Roxanne, some girl and I had an experimental phase in highschool."

"Yeah, but Rosalyn, you must remember that she broke up with you for Dave."

"True, but Roxy, you must recall that he cheated on her with a crabby boy and she broke up with him,"

"I still find that hilarious that both of them dated eachother instead of Dave. I wonder how that girl is doing nowadays."

Rose cracked a smile, "Better off than she was with me."

Roxy smiled back, "At least both of you were happy. Hey Johnny ol' boy, wanna make us some breakfast?"

"You know your way around the kitchen, make it yourself."

"Can't I have a cutie on my lap. What's your excuse?"

Before John could answer, a shriek came from upstairs, mostly consisted of "oh my fucking god!" If anybody was still sleeping they probably weren't any more. 

"Jade?" John was up and running up the stairs when an equally startled Jake ran into him on the way down.

Both the boys tumbled down the stairs, landing in a new at the bottom of the stairs. 

Jake was still hysterical, "Oh my god John, I was sleeping and there was someone by me and I thought it was you but then it wasn't you and I was sleeping with a stranger oh my god, how did he get there. Who is he?"

Dirk leaned over the rail of the stairs looking at the two boys on the floor, Jake shrank back a little, "I know I'm not wearing any make up, but damn, I'm not that ugly, am I?"

"Jake, this is Dirk. He's a friend of Roxy's, and Dave's older brother, he'll be staying with us for a while."

"Oh, speaking of Dave how is that fellow. And I suppose that means Jane is back if Roxy is here? Where is she? How's Seb?" he dropped and picked up subjects rather quickly.

Nanna came into the room, "A yes, waking up to screaming on Christmas morning, reminds me of when you fellows were young." she stretched a little bit, "Should I get started on making Christmas breakfast, or are people still sleeping?" 

Poppop came in after her, "Darling, I don't think any one is asleep after those shrieks. Where is Jade any way, what was she screaming about."

Jake blushed, "It was me sir. I was woken up to an unpleasant surprise," he shot a glare at Dirk who was still at the top of the stairs, James joining him.

"Who the hell even climbs into a strangers bed and cuddles him?"

Dirk shrugged, "A fellow who hasn't slept in over twenty four hours and had not intention of spooning, even if you are super cute and have a rocking ass." he winked, causing Jake to blush further.

Nanna sighed, "Well, I'm not going to question. Will someone help me in the kitchen? Oh, and Jake honey, go wake up your brother."

"Sister," he corrected before going off to get her. 

"Sorry," Nanna called back.

Rose stood up and followed the woman, "I'll help you miss. I would love to learn how to cook so called Christmas breakfast."

James glanced at Roxy, "Is her cooking as bad as yours?"

Roxy shook her head, "Worse."

He sighed and headed towards the kitchen. He stopped midway, "When is Jane going to get here?"

Roxy shrugged. 

Dirk descended the stair and flopped onto the couch, "Callie, move. I still need to nap, and Roxy's lap beckons." 

She rolled her eyes and joined John on the floor. "John, do you know any card games?"

He nodded, "Probably more than most people."

Calliope beamed, "Is that a challenge?"

Jake and Jade came downstairs. While Jake was fully awake, Jade was not, "Jooooooohn. is Nanna making me waffles?" She latched onto John, her cheek rubbing against his.

He laughed, "Jade, shave please, you're tickling me."

"Noooo," she moved here head so it was laying in John's lap, "I'll do it later. I'm tired, I don't have to look pretty."

He sighed and ran his fingers through her hair, "What do you say Jake, should we show Callie  how to play mow?"

Jake smiled and was about to respond when Jane walked through the door. "I'm back, and I managed to avoid prison. Only because no social worker was working right now. They'll stop by randomly in the next week to see how we're doing. But I know that's a trap, he'll be over later today. I know it." She placed a sleeping Sebastian on top of Dirk who managed to fall asleep. Neither of them minded.

Roxy rolled her eyes at Jane, "You're paranoid. They don't lie about that usually. They're not going to lure you into a false sense of security so they can surprise you."

Jane in turn rolled her eyes and sat down in the small circle of card players. "Sure, whatever you say dear. So, who wants to nap until dinner?"

Jade was the only one to raise her hand.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Idk any,ore. I'm tired. Will update tomorrow with cranky Dave.


	8. The date that flopped

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> This sucks. Do not read.

Dave smiled, for what felt like the first time in since the break up-

No. He stopped himself right there, it wasn't a breakup, and it wasn't even a full day ago, so he should just stop worrying and get his ass out of that dangerous fantasy thinking. John wasn't interested, so it wasn't even a relationship in the first place, let alone a break up.

Besides, he was on a date. No time to think about John. Not when Terezi was around, with her Red hair that smelled like cherries, and her infectious laugh and grin, and all her stupid jokes and obvious attempts at getting him into bed with her,and her handcuffs.

Man, cops were cool. And finally, he could maybe fuck the police.

Except one problem, neither of them lived in this stupid state.

And he was pretty sure James or Harold would throw a fit if he had sex inside the Egbert house.

God, that was weird. Half a day of being away didn't change his relations with the family that wasn't even his.

"Dave! Ice cream! Can we please go," Terezi was tugging on his jacket, the one that was definitely too thin for this janky ass snowy Christmas weather.

"Tez, it's snowing. And eight o'clock in the morning." 

She shrugged, "So? And where is this Tez stuff coming from?"

He shrugged in return, "No where I guess, just easier than Terezi."

"You sound like Sollux. And that's half of the reason I came out here to Texas, to get away from him. The other half was for justice of abusers, and the other other half was because this fine butt," She shifted her hand from Dave's arm to his butt.

His face flushed a little bit at the unexpected cop, but his expression didn't change much. "Well, that's three halves, I'm not sure that works."

"It does so, because I always give 150%."

"Fair enough Tez, fair enough."

"Hey, you can only call me that if you buy me ice cream."

He glanced at the little shop, "I think they're closed. This is Christmas after all."

She groaned, "Ugh. Too many people are spending time with their families. Nothing good is open!"

He nodded, "Especially this early in the morning. But you're heading back to Texas in a couple of hours, so let's just spend as much time as we can together."

Her phone beeped. Well, beeped was the simplified version of it, it sounded like the roar of a lion, but more mechanical and vicious.

She took out her phone, a .gif of a dragon spitting flames and roaring was displayed with the words 'new message' underneath in a fancy script.

"You like dragons?" He guessed.

She nodded and slid the unlock screen. She glanced at her messages and swore, "Fuck. I actually have to go in half an hour."

Dave frowned. That would cut their stupid date right in half. And he wouldn't see her in at least a week. "Well shit. Why?"

"Sollux is a huge cry baby and can't handle petty shop lifters on his own."

The roaring started up again. She looked down again, bringing the phone close to her eyes as she did last time, "Apparently she had a knife and threatened to stab him. Wimp."

She put her phone away. "Would you mind driving me to the airport? It'll be the perfect way to end this shitty date."

Even though she said it with a teasing smile, he still felt a little offended. He wished he could have done better, this cop was a banging girl, and he only had one day to treat her. Damn.

"Sure. Only because I know Sollux can't handle doing anything without you there to tell him how to kick butt."

She smiled, "Yeah, that guy is so lanky that I'm pretty sure a twelve year old shoplifting a copy of COD could intimidate him. Let's go before he bleeds to death."

She was once again tugging on Dave's arm, only to run them both into a wall.

"Fuck. That wall isn't supposed to be here," She complained, rubbing her nose.

Dave decided to lead the rest of the way, making sure she was out of the gutter when he called a cab.

"Why don't you just get lazer eye surgery done on your cataracts?"

Her cheerful expression changed, "That's exactly what the criminals want. And my superiors. They want me to admit that I can't do my job because I'm blind. Well guess what! Justice is blind!" He was pretty sure that if there was a table near by, it would have been pounded on by her fist or flipped.

"Okay, it's your body, do whatever the hell you want with it."

She nodded, "Exactly."

The cab came, they drove to the airport, Terezi kissed him and gave him her phone number for when he got back to Texas, and left. All in all no big deal.

The drive back home was significantly less fun-

No. He stopped himself again, it wasn't a ride home. It was a ride back to the place he was staying, and he wasn't staying there because he was invited but because Roxy was making him.

He sighed. Damn that pristine house. Why did this whole escapade have to revolve around the shitty house in the suburbs? He didn't know why, and honestly that only made his hate for the place worse.

He paid the cab driver and walked into the house, forgetting to knock or anything. Walking in was still too ingrained in his system.

"Where's Rose?" Was the first thing he asked. No doubt he was going to see John out an about, and he was going to use his childhood friend as a shield dammit.

"Kitchen," Dirk mumbled snoozing on Roxy.

Jade who was sitting on the floor jumped up, phone in hand. "Shit, Karkat's coming over in half an hour. I gotta get dressed."

John groaned, "A date on Christmas, how lame can you be,"

Dave looked a bit startled. John was in the same room as him and he didn't even notice. Damn.

John probably noticed though, and that's probably why he commented.

Jade called over the balcony of the top landing, “Oh, Dave, you can have my breakfast, tell Nanna I’m going out.”

“Thanks Jade,” He shrugged and walked into the kitchen. “Rose!” He walked over and slumped against Rose, “I feel like I got dumped.”

Betty looked over, “Didn’t you though. You and John broke up yesterday, right? Which is confusing because why else would you be here? I guess it’s because people bought you presents.”

Dave frowned, “I didn’t get dumped by John. We never dated. I also got dumped by someone I never dated today, so hush Betty,”

It was Betty’s turn to frown. She smacked Dave on the rear with a wooden spoon, “Don’t sass your grandma, and don’t call her by her first name.”

He gave a little yelp and only leaned heavier on Rose, “Sorry Nanna.”

Rose took then to speak up, “So, the cop you were planning on dating left you?”

“Yeah, back to Texas. But I’ll see her again soon, so I guess I still have a chance.”

“That’s good, because you never really had a chance with my grandson. He’s too different from you.” Betty spoke up again.

“Damn right the boy is too good for him!” Harold looked over the newspaper to glance at Dave.

“Harold! Hush up, the poor boy is heart broken, don’t tease him,”

“Nanna, I’m heart broken over a girl, not you immature grandson,”

“David, don’t give me that attitude.”

“Yes Nanna,”

Rose giggled, shaking slightly underneath Dave, “Well, I’m glad to see that there’s at least one girl that can subdue you Dave,”

“Shut up Rose,” Dave blushed a little bit.

“David, respect your elders, also, get out of the way, I can’t get to the stove,” James brushed by them, carrying a bowl of batter.

“Rose is younger than me though!” He protested but let go of Rose and retreated to the table, across from Poppop.

James shrugged, “Still, respect is a vital thing to have.”

Rose snickered, “I think I like this family. Are you sure you don’t want to take Dave back, or even better, take me.”

Nanna chuckled, “Well, you’re a pleasant young girl yourself Rose. Nobody listens to this old lady rant any more and- Holy shit you’re putting too much sugar in that,” Nanna took the measuring cup and sugar away from Rose. 

“James, fetch the lemon juice,” The elderly woman instructed as Rose just stood there. Apparently the recipe said two table spoons, not cups.

“Sorry Nanna,” She admitted sheepishly.

“Rose, it’s fine. We all make mistakes. Luckily, this old gal has made more mistakes than any of us combined, so I know a thing or two on correcting them.” She took the bottle of lemon juice that her son handed her and poured a little in, not even bothering with a measuring spoon, she evened that out with a little more cream. “Okay, now whisk to your hearts content my dear.” She looked over at the table, “And David dear, set-up the table, get more chairs out, and then fetch everyone. And Harold, go get dressed.”

Both men grumbled and stood up. Neither really wanted to do what she had asked, but by that point they knew not to ignore her either.

Dave made sure that the table was set for enough people, Jade excepted. Which Nanna was sure to point out.

“Damn, my own grand daughter leaving me on the day of Christmas, you think it was because I accidentally called her a boy?”

Rose shook her head, “Probably because she wants to go out with Karkat.”

Nanna sighed, “I suppose.”

Dave walked into the other room, not really saying much. 

“I swear you’re cheating! No one has caught on so quickly!” Jake stood up and pointed at Callie, who was at this point, winning at the game.

“Talking,” John placed a card down in front of Jake.

“Agh! I forgot to put my fucking cards down!” He threw down his small deck of cards down. Normally it would just be a hand, but he had half a deck.

Calliope snickered and set her last card down, “Mow,” 

Jake just about lost it. Causing Dirk to open his eyes, the tangerine iris’s being seen as Roxy had taken his glasses off.

“God. I can sleep through Dave’s shitty rapping, but you’re annoying voice is too damn loud,” He picked up a throw pillow and threw it at Jake.

“Hey shut up and listen to me,” Dave announced his presence in the doorway just as Jake caught the pillow, if getting hit in the face counted as catching.

“Breakfast is ready,” He announced, anticlimactically.

John lept up, ignoring his cards, and pushed Jake over. “I’m getting it first loser,”

Roxy stood up, causing Dirk to fall off the couch with and ‘oof’. 

Apparently it wasn’t as anticlimactic as Dave originally thought. Damn, must be some good breakfast.

Well, if the cookies and pies were anything to go by, then it must be.

Dave turned on his heel and rushed back into the kitchen, no way was he going to be the last to get delicious food.

A minute after sitting down, the doorbell rang. Sighing, Nanna got up and answered it, talking with the person at the door.

“Hey Jake,” Dirk’s voice almost halted the playful banter that Dave had gotten used to. Most eyes turned to him.

“You have whipped cream on your cheek,” He leaned over and licked it off. 

A collective gasp sounded, as they were prone to do. Everyone was confused, except of course, Dirk, and Jane who managed to fall asleep, though not in her pancakes, thanks to the help of Roxy.

“What the Sam’s hell do you think you’re doing!” Jake stood up, his face a fiery red, just as a police officer walked in.

“The police are here,” Nanna announced, barely peeking over the man’s shoulder.

“Er, yes, hello everyone. So sorry to bother you on this day, but is Jane crocker and Sebastian Crocker here?” His voice was deep as most people expected, but unexpectedly quiet and polite.

Seb stood up on his chair. “I’m Sebastian. But my last name isn’t Crocker. Mommy says it is, but I didn’t have a last name until last month, so I don't understand how that changes.”

Roxy shook Jane’s shoulder, managing to wake her up. 

Jane peeked her head up, glaring at Roxy, then at the police officer, “What do you want, I’m sleeping.”

God, she was even more frightening than Dirk when he was sleep deprived.

“Uh,” The police officer shrank back a little, obviously not accustomed to resistance, and probably intimidated despite his size, and Jane's.

“I’m from Social Services, and I, uh, I need to make sure this house is suitable. So I’ll be interviewing you and checking some things.”

Jane sighed and stood up, “Separately right?” She picked Seb up and walked into the living room, obviously not understanding what she meant herself. “The living room will be occupied for a bit, you guys just keep eating breakfast.”

Jake turned to Dirk, his face still flushed, “Please answer me this, older Strider, why did you fucking lick my face?”

Dirk shrugged, "Couldn’t help myself. I want to lick things to claim them as my own.” He let a hint of a smile through. not a genuine smile, but a fake one, the kind that tipped Dave off. This was totally just a way of Dirk getting back at Jake for being loud.

After a moment, Jane came back in, “What do you mean separate interviews? Can’t you tell I am the same person as my son?” She mostly mumbled to herself as she picked up the stack of pancakes she left.

She ate them while glaring at almost everybody, her father and Nanna accepted. Because as tired as she was, everyone knew not to give those two shit.

John leaned across Rose and kissed Dave, “Whipped cream on your lips,” He explained, laughing as he pulled away.

Knowing John, it was probably just a ploy to get Dave to lose his shit. Stupid fucking prank, it worked. He blushed and stood up. “Dammit John.” He spoke with a smile on his face as well, even as he walked out, still extremely flushed.

Rose stood up and followed after him, sensing his conflict, even though his façade hid it fairly well.  
“Dave, you okay?” She asked once they entered the living room, causing the cop who was talking to Seb to stop.

“Um, pardon me, but could you not come in here until I am done?”

Rose shrugged, “This will only take a minute. Sir-”

“Zahhak,” He introduced himself before turning back to Seb, “I hope their presence doesn’t make you change your answers. Don’t let them intimidate you, I can only help if you tell me the truth.” HE spoke calmly, before going silent to let Dave and Rose talk.

“Rose. I still really like John. And he just pulled that shit?”

Rose shrugged at Dave’s dilemma, “I think he meant it as no hard feelings, we’re still friends, that or he likes you too and is masking it with silly jokes. Sort of the opposite as what Dirk is doing right now, where I assume he got the idea.”

Dave scowled, “I hate Dirk even more then.”

“No you don’t you hate that you think he caused the actions leading to your emotional crisis. This really is nothing to worry about, now come back or I’m going to eat your food.” She turned and went back into the dining room, much to officer Zahhak’s delight.

Dave barely managed to make it through the breakfast and present opening and interview. It wasn’t like any of it was unpleasant or anything, but his mind kept reverting to the one thought that kept troubling him, and in honestly distracted him from keeping his face straight.

“Do I really love John, or is it still the effect of being with him for months. What about Tez?”

He got his answer when he was squished onto the couch next to John to watch a family movie. No one would switch with him.

He cursed silently and suffered through being right next to him, not just by him, but full on squeezed to his side, like fucking super glue in a tube.

His phone buzzed, causing him to struggle for a couple minutes to even get it out.

It was Terezi, smiling to himself, he opened the message. It was a picture of some girl holding the phone out, taking a picture of her kissing a slightly disgruntled Terezi under a mistletoe. The caption read ‘Dave or whatever, Ter says that you went on a date with her, but as soon as she came back she met me again. We’ve decided to pick back up our love life and tell you to not take my girlfriend out on another date in the nicest way possible. Byeeeeeeee!”

Damn, what a nice way to tell him. That was probably a joke, Ter was pretty happy to see him just that morning. It had to be a joke.

Another text confirmed it. 

“Damn, Vriska took my phone, sorry for the shock. But yes, I am dating Vriska now. Sorry.”

Nope. It was true. Sighing, Dave leaned his head on John’s shoulder. ‘subconsciously’ he said, even though he didn’t move it. He needed some physical comfort, and it was either John who smelled nice, or Jane on his other side who had fallen asleep again.


	9. Chapter 9

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The last part of christmass

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> ugh, i want this to be like, thirty chapters, but can i milk that much? idk if theres even a plot. To get dave and john together. but. that might take two chapters tops. ughs. do i need to add in more side stories? more plot twists? Help.

“How do we wake her up?” Roxy asked, getting slightly more concerned as the minutes ticked on.

Dirk shrugged as he wiped the shaving cream off his glasses. The rest of his face was still covered in the flammable foam, but his glasses were the first and foremost priority to clean.

How the fuck was he supposed to know that Jane couldn’t fall for mediocre pranks, even in her sleep? For fucks sake, she was dead to the world yet still managed to make a fool of everyone herself.

John came and knelt down by Roxy, “She still asleep?”

The blond girl nodded, “Any suggestions for getting her to wake up?”

John shook her head, “Nah, she has narcolepsy, when she’s stressed, there’s no chance on getting her to wake up.”

Dirk raised a brow at him in confusion, “How did she manage to graduate college and control one of the largest companies in America?”

John shrugged, “She can handle a shit ton of stress, but then she crashes. I guess it’s like when you party too much?”

“That’s great and all Johny, but how do I get her to wake up?”

John shrugged at Roxy’s question.

James walked into the room, “She still asleep?”

All three kneeling by the couch nodded solemnly.

The man only chuckled, “Roxy, where’s your sister Rose? I’d like you two to come help me in the kitchen, it’s Jane’s shift but she’s asleep, so you and your sister would be a delight to have,”

Roxy fidgeted, “Um, I don’t think that’ll work out,”

He nodded, “You're right. I mean two's company, three’s a crowd. I’m sure just you and Rose can handle it. After all, too many chefs spoil the soup,”

“Mr. Egbert, I don’t think you understand,”

“Oh no, I understand you perfectly, well, go find Rose, because your shift starts now. Good luck making dinner," He grabbed Roxy’s arm to lead her to the kitchen when Jane sat up.

“No, it’s my shift,” Her words were slightly slurred as it was obvious she was still half asleep. She wiped her hand on Dirk’s shirt, leaving any residue of shaving cream on him. To which, he pouted.

“It wasn’t even my idea Jane!” He stood up and left to go get a new shirt.

Jane walked into the kitchen, softly pushing Roxy to the side. Immediately, she picked up the cooking where her father left off.

James followed her in, chuckling, “Have a nice nap dear?” He rummaged around the medicine cabinet before finding a small bottle of pills and tossing them at her.

Of course, she didn’t catch them letting them bounce off her head onto the counter.

James only laughed again, “Right now, I’d say you’re rivalling Jade for the spot of the most oblivious. Take a pill and I’ll have someone make you coffee in a few minutes. Don’t operate the stove just yet or knives for that matter, okay?”

She pouted but nodded.

A minute after her father left, John came walking in, “Hey Janey,” He gave her a brief smile before going to the stove to make coffee. None of that instant coffee shit, full home brewed.

“Jane, can I ask you advice?”

“Course. You know you always can. So, what kind of big sisterly advice do you need today?”

“Well, so, I’m not gay.” He started awkwardly after a pause.

Jane shrugged, “You had us guessing there for a while.”

He stuck out his tongue, to which Jane cackled, “Okay, okay, so you’re not gay, great.”

“Yeah, I like girls mostly. Like, without the sex part but yeah, girls.”

She nodded again, “Heteromantic asexual,”

“Yeah, whatever. Point is, I don’t like boys the way I like girls. But what if I like a boy?”

“Oooh, who is it?”

John flushed, “I’m not telling you! This is besides the point. The point is what if I like a boy like I usually like girls?”

Jane shrugged, “Then you like a boy. There literally is nothing besides that.”

“I know, but does it make me gay or bi or a liar?”

“No. It means you’re heteromantic but you like a boy. It happens.”

“Oh, okay.” He finished the coffee and handed it to her, which she gladly drank.

“So, who is this mystery boy of yours. Is it Jake?”

John reeled back in horror, “No! We’re cousins, that’s incest!”

“No, both of you are adopted. So technically it’s loving those who you were raised with,”

“Still, I’ve taken a bath with him!”

Jane smiled, “And many more romantic baths to come.”

John glared at her through his thick lenses, “No. It’s not Jake.”

“Kay, well, he’s in this house currently, isn’t he?” A pause ensued. Jane smiled, “He is, isn’t he. Well is it Dirk?”

“No. Besides, I’m pretty sure he’s just into Jake.”

Jane nodded, “Probably ironically. He’s not really one to like people right off the bat. He's probably just trying to make him really comfortable. I heard that he screamed really loud this morning when he saw Dirk, he probably thinks this is a game."

"Okay, so, don't go for Dirk, got it. Not a problem since I don't like him anyway." 

Jane sighed, "John, please don't tell me it's Dave."

Silence was her answer.

She sighed again, impossibly more heavy, "John, don't. You'll confuse the poor boy. You walked out of his life just yesterday, you saw how it hurt him, but he got over it I think. That's a whole rollers coaster of emotions, but I think he's settled. You can't waltz into his life again and upstart that, it's unfair."

John sighed, "Okay," he was acting like a child who got scolded.

Jane patted his shoulder, "Sorry hon, but it's. It the best thing right now, okay?"

He nodded and left the kitchen, grabbing a cup of coffee himself. Groaning, he sat down on one of the couches next to Dave.

Almost immediately Dave shifted to lean towards him. "You brought hot chocolate for me, oh how sweet of you,"

He took the mug out of John's hand and took a sip, "Fuckin delicious chocolatey milk bro. Weird tasting though."

"Dave. That's not- what the hell is Jake doing?"

Currently Jake was kissing Dirk.

Dave shrugged and took another swig, "They're playing truth or dare Mario Kart. Who ever wins gets to ask the other. So far Dirk has won five out of five times, and every time he makes Jake kiss him. I gotta say though, the first time and his reaction was the best, now it's just stupid."

John nodded slightly, "I hope you don't take offence to this, but your brother is really weird. It's just creepy to make someone do that."

Dave rolled his eyes, though it remained unseen. "Yeah, but hiring someone to pretend to be your boyfriend is fine."

John took offence, well, he had intentionally tried to offend him earlier with the date comment. "I paid you, and we were both consenting adults. This isn't really consenting."

Dave shrugged, "Jake isn't complaining any more, neither is Dirk. Does that count as consensual?"

John shrugged just as the door opened to reveal Jade.

"Oh my gosh! I'm so sorry I'm late, I swear I meant only to be gone for a couple hours! I just wanted to meat Karkat's family, I didn't mean to be gone so long, but all of them are just do talkative, I got carried away. Jake what are you doing?"

Her words drew attention back to the couple on the floor. Jake wasn't just giving Dirk a simple peck like he was before, he was full on snogging him, about to fall into his lap from leaning in so far.

Pretty much oblivious to everything, until John exclaimed. "Hey, what the hell!"

Jake pulled away from Dirk and blushed, his tan skin going aflame. "I wasn't doing anything!" he protested, scrambling away from Dirk as if he were poison.

Dirk frowned a bit as Jake moved away. "I was passionately kissing an idiot." he explained very matter of factly.

Roxy walked into the room, "Who we're you kissing?"

Jade pointed at Jake, who shook his head.

Roxy burst out laughing. "Jake, what the hell, I never took you as a snogger. You've known him for a day!"

Dirk smirked, "Just because we've only known each other for a day doesn't mean anything. I can be persuasive."

Roxy paused a moment before laughing, "Ha, Dirk you sly dog. Persuasive more like playing tricks on poor Jakey."

Jade looked extremely confused, "Dirk didn't do anything, they both were kissing."

Roxy shook her head slowly, "Dirk plays psychology tricks sometimes. Though they don't really work all the time, he's too unsocial." she glanced at Jake, "You done been fooled by an amateur."

Jake stood up, "I'm not going to stand here and be mocked by both of you." with that he walked into the kitchen, calling for Jane.

Jade went and sat down on the other side of Dave and took his mug, “Who brewed this?”

Dave shrugged, “John I think.”

“Ah sweet, I love John’s coffee.” She took a large sip, leaving Dave to stare blankly at her, his mouth slightly agape. 

“Coffee? I thought it was hot chocolate,”

John looked at him sceptically, “Yeah, I meant to tell you. It’s coffee. I thought you knew we basically only drank coffee.”

Dave looked at Dirk, “Help.” To which his brother only shrugged.

Jade started laughing, “HA! I guess it’s not safe for a super sensitive to caffeine guy to be in a house full of narcoleptics.”

John sighed, “Well, hopefully this won’t ruin dinner. But I don’t think you drank too much of it…”

Dave glared at John, tilting his head down to peer at him with his red eyes, “Like you’ve never done ruined a family meal before.”

“Hey! It’s Christmas, don’t start a fight over delicious coffee! Besides, I think I speak for everyone when I say we should forget that bump on the road. We’re all still friends, and in a little while we’ll laugh about it rather than use it as weapons against each other.”

Dave stuck out his tongue, “Fine. But John should have told me sooner, or not given me the stupid thing all together.”

“I tried to warn you, then Jake was kissing your brother! What was I supposed to do, ignore their weirdness or tell you something I thought you could figure out. Besides, I didn’t even give it to you, you took it from me!”

Dirk stood up, “Hey, I’m right here. And I second what Jade says, shut up.”

John sighed, what Dave was doing was pretty justified. He was about to step in himself when the blond did so instead.

“Hey, this affects me waaaay more than it affects you ass holes, so fuck off.”

Jade glared at Dave, “Hmm, is this coffee bitter/” She took a long sip of it, probably finishing off the rest of it, “Nope. It’s perfect, just like John always makes it. So if this delicious drink isn’t bitter, then it must be you.”

Dave rolled his eyes, though the action remained unseen by them all, “Whatever.”

John took this as an opportunity to jump in, “Dave kind of has every right to hold it against me.”

Dirk stood up, “No he doesn’t. That’s an abusive trait, and it was all a misunderstanding so he doesn’t even have anything to hold against you. He’s just being an ass hole.”

Dave glared at him over the tops of his sunglasses, “Dirk, butt out of this,” His brother only shook his head.

“Well, if it’s any consolation, I’m sorry for the misunderstanding.” John offered after chuckling awkwardly. He hoped his apology would pacify both the brothers and maybe stop the brewing fight.

Jade elbowed Dave in the back, causing him to lurch forward a bit. Man, she really didn’t know her own strength.

“Now you apologize too!"

He sighed, “John. I’m sorry about my brother, and I guess for complaining.” He shrugged a little bit at the end, causing John to chuckle.

Jade practically squealed. “Now hug!”

John shrugged, still smiling as usual, and leaned forward, arms out for a hug. Dave mirrors his actions, though with less enthusiasm.

Of course Jade noticed and hit him in the back again, sending him into John’s arms, but not for just a brotherly hug. Their lips met in an awkward collision, making both boys blush, although Dave’s was much more noticeable. His pale skin showing off all the blood rushing to his face.

He stood up immediately and rushed out of the room without so much as a word.

Dirk stood there cackling, “And that idiot mocks me for getting hot English ass.” He started after Dave, though at less than half his flustered speed. 

He glanced over his shoulder, “I’ll calm him down, it’s probably just the coffee. Your backyard is pretty big right?”

Jade nodded.

“Great. We might spar, just to blow off steam."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> whoops, dave is super sensitive to everything and an itty bitty baby, go away if you think other wise


	10. Mad at my guardian

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> laskdaghjkl;ghajkl;dfgha;d  
> here you go shits

Dave was woken up in one of the worst ways possible. Dog growls. He rolled over on the pull out couch and patted Bec on the head, he licked Dave’s hand before resuming growling. He sighed and rolled back over, only to finally notice that there was knocking on the door.

Pffft, fuck that, it was like, seven in the morning, no way was he going to answer the door.

Jake came stumbling into the room. The only way Dave knew it was Jake due to the soft curses he uttered every time he ran into something.

Eventually the door was opened, only making Dave curl further up. Damn Washington snow. What the fuck was it, the fucking north pole?

Across the room, he heard Jake talk, “Hello, a dn welcome to Rby’s can i take your order?” God, his sleepy speech was slurred. Adorable, no wonder Dirk was into that ass.

“You seem tired.” The gravely stern voice said from the other side of the door. A voice Dave knew well. Though, now it seemed older, more care worn, and definitely like he was standing in the cold of Washington that should remain unknown to Texans.

Immediately, Dave was out of his bed, startling Bec who had stopped growling when Jake had arrived.

“Bro!?" Dave exclaimed loudly as he leapt from the fold out bed. 

Jake turned to him, being more awake as Dave exclaimed. 

“You know this man,” He asked, still very clearly drowsy.

Dave nodded, the other, slightly older male took that as a go ahead to let the Texan outside of their door in.

A tall man walked into the foyer, bundled in like, three coats.

“Hey Dave,” He raised a gloved hand in greeting, his deep voice evening out slightly as the warmth of the house greeted him, though Dave knew, his cold heart could never be affected by the love and warmth of the Egbert household.

“Long time, no see.” He continued. 

Dave wasn’t having any of this shit. He speed walked out of the living room, leaving the warmth of his bed that he totally forgot to fold up. Rude house guest.

Jake looked at the tall man, squinting slightly as he didn’t grab his much needed glasses as he travelled down the stairs to open the door for the man unknown to him, but apparently not to Dave.

The older man looked back through his triangle shades that actually looked a lot like Dirk’s. 

Still mostly asleep, Jake left the man alone, but not before a quiet, mumbled, “sit down, I’ll be back”

The old man could not help but chuckle as he sat down on the unkempt bed Dave had left. He patted Bec on the head, though the sceptical dog growled softly. Again, the blond man chuckled again. Silly dog.

He let him sniff his hand after removing the thick leather gloves that kept his hands from falling off, before resuming his pat on the head, this time, much welcomed by the dog.

True to his word, Jake was back within moments, although this time, a sleepy Dirk in his tow, his platinum hair mussed up unlike the older man’s.

“It’s you,” Jake explained before disappearing into the kitchen, probably to brew coffee.

Dirk rubbed his eyes slowly before peering at the man on the bed next to the dog. He peered at his groggily, his tangerine eyes sleep ridden, that much being very clear due to his forgotten shades.

“Bro. What in the shit are you here?” Dirk mumbled out. His words were indeed much more annunciated than Jake’s though his grammar severely lacking.

A curt nod from the still bundled man was his reply. “Hello Dirk. You’re brother ran off.”

Dirk nodded as well. “Yeah, he’s an idiot like that. He got all the way to Washington. What are doing here?”

The answer he got was not verbal, as he was much used to over the years, but rather, a short shrug.

“You're not here for us, are you?” Dirk ventured, getting feeling that was why Dave took off moments before, even though it was more like a couple minutes at this point.

He shook his head, “Nah man, I didn’t know you guys were here, just looking for my internet boyfriend,” He pointed his thumb over his shoulder in a generalized sense.

Dirk glanced at the door behind him, the kitchen door. “Jake?”

Again, the old man shook his head, “No you idiot, I’m not dating a twinkie. James.”

Almost as if on cue, James walked through the door, a cup of coffee in hand. “Excuse me Derek, did I hear right? You just called my nephew a twinkie?”

Derek stood up as he heard the voice behind him, “Uh no sir?”

James patted him on the shoulder, “It’s too early for that, you can relax,”

Immediately, his cool guy who didn’t give a shit about anything pose returned.

Dirk blinked, “You guys are fucking nasty.” James shot him a look, the ‘no vulgarity’ look Dirk had picked up on rather quickly. Hell, that rule was probably one of the only rules in the house, and it was lax during arguments.

Derek rolled his eyes, “You have no room to speak pony fucker.” He looked up at James who was still standing over him, the disapproving look engraved in his face as he drank his coffee, “BTDubsteb James, why are my kids at your place? You adopt em too?"

“Dave and Dirk are your sons? You don’t look all that much related.” true to his words, they weren't related or even looked similar. Everything about Derek was darker than Dirk and Dave. His skin, his hair, his eyes and his personality. Yet Derek felt the need to speak about this.

“Of course these are my sons, I birthed them through my vagina,”

James smacked him on the shoulder, “If you continue to talk like that, then there will be a reason for you to call me sir, and there won’t be any reward. Understood?”

Derek nodded solemnly.

“Good. But in all honesty, are they your children. You do share the last name Strider and the need for shades.”

He shrugged, going lax again, “Nah, I was a foster parent until Dirk was like, seventeen and moved out, claiming Dave was his because they were bro’s and all. But the shades are because Dirk really couldn’t stand light and Dave was worse, so I said I’d get him shades as soon as he was under my custody, he chose anime shades, as any twelve year old drawing bad yaoi would choose. And Dave wanted the same kind, and I hoped on the train to make em feel better. I guess it kinda stuck.”

Dirk rolled his eyes, more awake and more irritated by now. “I’m going back to bed, but first I've got to go get someone else up so you two don't have weird sex.”

Bro smirked while James rolled his eyes as well, “It's too early for that, besides, my parents and my kids and my grand kid are all in the house.”

Derek whipped around at that, “You have a grand kid?”

He nodded, “Since last month, daughter in laws and Jane adopted.”

“Damn, you’re so old,”

James smacked him again, “Don’t complain. My dad is older.”

Dirk left, rolling his eyes yet again.

But just as he left, Sebastian came running in, “James, Can I watch cartoons!” He bounded up to him and peered at him beaming before turning to face the guest.

“Derek!” He seemed equally as excited about cartoons as he was about the male.

“Hey Seb,” Derek reached over and ruffled his pale locks.

James only looked lost again, “Explain please.”

He shrugged again, as was apparently popular with Striders, “I’m a foster parent. I had this lil shit for like, a couple months then he was taken away and adopted by like, three lesbians,”

Seb frowned at that, “No, mommy says she and her lovelies aren’t lesbians. She says demsetual, pansetual and bisetual.”

“Is that so?” 

“Yes! Mommy will get upset at you.”

Betty walked up the stairs, “Sebastian, I told you to go slow, gosh, you’re just like a bullet. Now, let Nanna get coffee and I can get you cartoons,” 

She looked at Derek sitting on the couch and chuckled, “James, you did find someone to commit sin with,” She chuckled a little bit before walking into the kitchen. 

“JAKE MAKE ME A CUP OF COFFEE PLEASE?” A yell was heard from the other room and a startled “Huh!”

Sebastian ignored all that, “I wanna watch cartoons please?”

James nodded and turned on the television and watched as Seb went over and sat down in front of it, instantly mesmerized.

“So, Derek, what brings you here?”

He shrugged yet again, making the word shrug and almost immediate reaction for the author of this fanfiction to write, as if he shrugged far too often, making this piece lose reality. Almost as if his repetitive yet dismissive and passive action was destroying the fourth wall, revealing the author of such an au to be a potato sitting at the computer thinking about how they should not have eaten the spaghetti and how their hands are cold, also about how little fucks they give any more because they feel they need to write two thousand words, and how they really like the fact that in this au anything can happen, because once the realization that you are the creator hits, you realize you can in fact so anything.

“I wanted to see you. I know it’s early, I thought North Washington would be more busy after Christmas, but not really, I arrived an hour early,” He stood up and kissed James, “I want to be with you sometimes you know.”

“Yes, I realize, but I said holidays probably weren’t good.With all my family here and such. That means limited gay from you, and limited sexual advances, also from you.”

Sebastian looked over his shoulder, “Mommy says that sex is a bad word.”

Derek shrugged yet again, making the author realize that they just barely subconsciously wrote the stupid word and causing them to desperately want to time skip.

Dave and Dirk mostly avoided their foster guardian for the day. Sure they could be bothered to be in the same room as he was, but not really hold a conversation with or about him. In their eyes, he was still an asshole.

At dinner though, Jane forced them from hiding to have a family dinner. “I don’t care what you say, you need a family dinner. And you can’t use the flimsy excuse that no one here is actually related to you except each other because its lame. Just suck it up and be decent!”

They did suck it up, though they were solemn at dinner.

Until Dave made an offhanded comment, “Bro, how are you not drunk?”

The man made an upward motion with his shoulders, signifying his apathy from the situation. 

James spoke for him, “Because if he were drunk, he’d be in trouble.”

Dave nodded a little bit, “So, is he only drunk when you’re not around to spank him Mr. E.”

Derek smirked, showing he wasn’t all that removed, but James glared at him, chasing the smirk away,”He had better not be.” 

The man returned his attention back to Dave, “No, he's not drinking. He’s been sober a long time, around the time Seb was taken away from him. From what I’ve heard of his past, he’s changed dramatically since he had you two, and I think for the better. So don’t hold your past against him. All right?”

Dave uttered a whatever, Dirk on the other hand made the same motion as Derek did just moments before. Neither of them really wanted to be involved if they weren’t bashing on some asshole.

The rest of dinner was rather quiet, excepting little conversations here and there and Bec chasing Gcat as she decided to make an unexpected appearance halfway through the dinner.

The rest of the evening was quiet as well, almost as if everyone was put off by the presence of Derek, not that he cared, or probably noticed.

And much to everyone's delight, he was going to stay the night, but only after Harold made him sign a contract stating he would not sin with their son. Any of them.

Derek took it light heartedly and signed it. But it was obvious, even from the fold out downstairs the didn’t keep his word. They were just lucky that elderly and children were in the basement with less chances of hearing them.


	11. Chapter 11

Dave groaned loudly. Stupid couch, the hard thing wasn’t helping his situation at all. Stupid insomnia, the problem in the first place.

Bec groaned in his sleep, probably the dog version of saying shut the fuck up in dog.

The blonde sighed and got out of bed. He really would appreciate sleep aid or hot chocolate, but that was not an option. Yes, it turned out that being an insomniac in a narcoleptic house really didn’t work.

He groaned again and got out of bed and squinted as he picked up his phone. God damn second coming of the messiah. He tossed it on the bed and fumbled around for his sunglasses before slipping them on.

Yes, already much better. 

He picked up his phone and looked at it, with much more ease this time. Not only because its insane light was being dulled to his sensitive eyes, but because his prescription was actually there. Yes, Dave Strider wearing prescription sunglasses at what was apparently two am.

What, was he a middle aged woman who had lost control of her life?

No, just some douche.

He stood up and tried to slip his phone into his pocket. However, boxers don’t generally have pockets, causing his phone to fall and hit him in the foot. 

His mouth opened in a silent scream, an automatic reaction not to wake up the household.

Once he was done hopping around with his mouth agape like an idiot fish out of water, he bent over and picked up his phone. Or rather groped for it. It was dark, and his phone screen went dark, and his shades were dark, and honestly, if all these stupid early morning shenanigans were going to keep ensuing, Dave’s soul would soon be dark.

He sighed almost in relief, but more out of fatigue, as he found his phone. He picked it up and hit the home button, once again lighting the screen. Directly in Dave’s face. Even with the shades, his eyes were unaccustomed to light, what with everything being so fucking dark.

He hissed and was tempted to throw his phone but decided against it.

Instead he turned it around and pointed it at the floor, using the unholy pillar of flame to guide him safely around the house.

He made his way upstairs, wincing as every step squeaked as he put his weight on it.

Still mostly silent, he travelled to John’s room, having been there several times, he knew which one it was, even in the mix of dark and light that currently was doing hell on his vision.

He opened the door silently and walked in, looking for Dirk without shining the light on any of their faces. He shuffled around, trying to get closer to the bodies when he stubbed his toe on the desk nearby.

Dropping his phone was one thing, but stubbing his toe was another. He lurched back and yelled, “Fuck!” But the action caused him to drop his phone, flipping it to shine the hellish light in his face whilst landing on his foot. Again.

He yanked his foot back from the phone, lurching back again, “Oh my fucking shit!”

The phone flew across the room, being especially light and aerodynamic in this hour of need, and hit the opposite wall before plopping onto the body beneath it with a plop. Not a hard plop like it always did on his foot, but a soft one, just as the screen went dark again.

Dave once again swore before realizing that there indeed were people in the room who were sleeping.

He swore quietly, wondering why no one had stirred. He had just thrown a huge scene, though in the low light of a Washington winters night.

He shuffled over to where he thought his phone had fallen, keeping his foot movement calm and slow, lest he hit his poor abused foot on some other piece of furniture that he swore wasn’t there before.

He reached over and shuffled for his phone, awkwardly running his hand all over someone's side.

With the light of his phone now back in his hands, he saw that the person he was awkwardly groping was in fact Dirk. 

Not feeling guilty for awkwardly touching him in the dead of night, he jabbed him in the side. Damn ass hole was probably awake, no way a Strider could sleep through any of what he did. The smug ass hole was probably awake but not doing anything.

As for the others in the room, well, Jake and John were probably dead to the world this early in the day.

Dirk grunted, but didn’t move otherwise. Damn, he wouldn’t skip out on a chance to punch Dave for something like that. He must have sleep aids around somewhere.

Dave was half tempted to force him into consciousness before he noticed someone else with Dirk. Jake, nearly all the way under Dirk. Or at least he looked like it.

Dave scanned the room. John was there on a cot, still sleeping. Damn, the two of them must have overtaken the bed.

Luckily, John was there to keep them from doing the funky monkey. Which, at this point was very possible.

Damn, Dave thought to himself, Dirk works fast. 

On Christmas morning they met, and here they were five days later, getting ready to bone.

Dave on the other hand, had taken a month to even realize he liked a guy.

He sighed, Dirk wasn’t going to be of help to him. No early morning hot chocolate or sleeping pills or anything he wanted. Resigning, he left the room, managing to avoid the desk this time, expecting to just go back to the couch and chill there til five and then make some god damn pancakes.

What he wasn’t expecting was Derek, or Bro as he grew up knowing him as.

He didn’t even notice he was standing there until he got pulled into an awkward hug where he was sideways in relation to the older man.

“What the-” He started to speak but was cut off.

“Why are you walking around like a god damn elephant at three am in the morning?” His deep voice was slurred and groggy. 

Dave shrugged, “Couldn't sleep, went to find Dirk.”

Derek seemed to nod before resting his head on Dave’s “Well now I can’t sleep. What do you suggest we do?”

Dave shrugged again, taking on the characteristic previously assigned to the old male who was leaning on Dave. His growing up and taking on the passive aggressive action was completely accidental and only now stood out to our esteemed potato author who is now very upset, not only with the state of Dave’s passive aggression, but at Ryan the fuck boy in the authors life who is an usurper and at how this story will never amount to anything.

“Hot chocolate?” he suggested, shifting his position so that instead of an awkward hug, he had an arm around Dave’s slender shoulders. Without waiting for his response, Derek lead him down stairs and to the kitchen.

Dave hoisted himself onto the counter and sat there, “Good luck finding mix. I swear, everyone in this house is obsessed with making shit from scratch.”

The older man shrugged, resuming his place as the alpha male, the only male in the house allowed to shrug with such passive aggressiveness, though in this case, it was more as dismissive, much like his aloof attitude always is unless he is having really kinky sex with James. Okay, just, Derek shrugging while having insane sex with James. Just imagine that, I just. Okay.

“Well, I think I can handle making hot chocolate.” With that, his shoulders stopped their frivolous up and down motion.

He warmed up some milk while digging out the unsweetened cocoa from the pantry. 

Minutes later he handed Dave a mug. He took a sip, “This taste like shit. You used unsweetened cocoa. First of all, that is hydrophobic and clumps up in liquid, second, its unsweetened. No sugar or anything.”

Derek cocked his hip in a different passive aggressive motion, more welcome and different that the afore over used one, “Well, then you can make your own hot chocolatey milk,”

Dave shook his head and passed the mug back, “Nah, I don’t know how too. That’s why I didn’t try to.”

“Sassy. Always were, and I guess you always will be,”

He gave a shit eating grin to his past caretaker, “Learned from the best.”

“Yeah, your brother is a real pain in the ass too, and he taught you too well. Almost a relief when he left with you.”

That drained the smile from Dave’s face, even if his grin originally was ironic. “You were happy when we left?”

Derek dismissed the idea with his shoulder, though not technically the idea. That would stay, along with his response, he more as dismissed his emotions, as well as trying to remove the other’s with his shoulder. Look at this ladies and gentlemen, the author has figured out why they keep writing the stupid action. This may be the last you hear of them.

“I mean yeah. I liked you, but honestly, it was a weight off my shoulders. No more screaming kids, no more talking with administrators over fights, no more buying food and electricity for three people. Plus, it seemed like Dirk could support you better financially and emotionally. So yeah. Plus I mean, I could finally do the things I wanted, like stay out till three am and have people over. And I did a lot of bad stuff, I'm sure it only would have escalated." It seemed as his shoulders had worked miracles, he was completely detached from the subject.

Dave tried to be as well. He nodded, his mouth a near straight line, “Yeah, I agree,” His voice was mostly steady, but no where near as steady as the deep voice of Derek. It wasn’t as deep either, especially as it cracked.

He hopped off the counter and headed back to the living room, “Thanks for the milk.”

He climbed back into the fold out bed and placed his glasses on the small bedside table. Bec awoke and gave a yawn, obviously tired with all Dave’s romping around.

Dave hid under the covers as he heard Derek walked by, though it was hard considering that dude was light footed despite his size.

Somehow, he managed to fall asleep.


	12. Chapter 12

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> John and Dave talk

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Peeps wanted these babs to talk, so here we go. fight scene because im angry and then confusing dialog that contradicts itself and a spidermand scene that didnt go to plan.

Dave leaned on John groaning, “So tiredddddddddddddddddd,” He hadn’t even folded up the stupid couch mattress bed shit, whatever. John had just joined him on it with a bowl of cereal and a cup of coffee. He probably was going to strike up a conversation, but as soon as he sat down, Dave tipped over and leaned heavily against him.

“God, Dave, you’re so heavy,” John shoved him off, much to the others dismay.

He made sure to vocalize his feelings with a loud groan. “Jooooohhhhnnnnnn,” He leaned on his again, more to piss him off this time.

John sighed and let him be, “Why are you so tired? It’s like, ten.”

“Didn’t sleep. You woke me up, ass hole.”

John rolled his eyes, “Well sorry sleeping beauty. I just wanted some god damn fruit loops.”

“You could have waited,” He spoke as he took the spoon from John and ate some froot loops.

John glared at him, “Bad Dave,” He took the spoon back, “My froot loops.”

The dog looked up at John. 

“I’m not a dog John. Just share your god damn froot loops.” 

“No!” He shoved Dave off again as he moaned loudly.

Rose walked down the stairs, “Why are you two so loud?” She rubbed her eyes and took the bowl of cereal from John who protested loudly.

Rose sat down on the foot of the bed and patted the large dogs head before eating the froot loops that apparently were damned by god himself.

“Hey! You let her take your froot loops but not me?” He complained at John who rolled his eyes.

The brunette got up from the fold out and went to go get more froot loops.

Rose glanced at Dave, “You sure seem cuddly today. Every time I touch you, you freak out.”

“That’s because I’m fucking tired and whenever you touch me it’s to wipe something off my face with your spit.”

“Well, If you kept your face clean, we wouldn’t have that problem, now would we?”  
“Stop treating me like a child Rose,” He complained weakly as he flopped down on the bed.

“I will once you stop wearing velcro shoes,” She toed one of the mentioned sneakers that was resting at the foot of the bed, carelessly flung there last night.

Dave huffed, “Well, you look weird without make up on,”

She shrugged, “That’s because babies have object permanence issues. I look the same, just with less eye liner and lipstick. I can understand why it would confuse you.”

He rolled his eyes and kicked her lightly, hoping to spill her cereal.

Of course, she didn’t let any of the milk slosh over. “That wasn’t very nice. Why did you do that?”

“Why did you come over and talk to me?”

“Because I wanted to, I’m sorry to tell you this, but can do what I want.”

He rolled his eyes again, damn, Rose was sassy, especially in the mornings. She definitely wasn’t a morning person. 

“I know that. But I want to know the reason behind your oh so complex desire to come and piss me off.”

“Because you were getting cuddly with John. I was wondering if it was mutual or something.”

“It wasn’t mutual, I was pissing him off.”

“I see. You really are into him.”

“I just said that I was trying to piss him off. How in Hell did you get that I love John from that?”

Rose glanced to her left before resuming her focus on Dave, “I got that because you rarely touch other people. And you really don’t give a fuck about other people unless you are emotionally invested in them. So I got that you care about John from that. Besides, yesterdays kiss incident Jade was telling me about and Christmas breakfast.”

“Christmas was like a fluke, I thought I liked him. But we’re just bros, okay? I told you this.”

“I know. You wouldn’t shut up about it yesterday. That the kiss confirmed you were bros and all that hoopla. You can believe that, all I’m trying to say is that you do care about John and it is clear through your reactions.”

“I told you we were just bros, God, stop delving into everything,”

John walked back into the room with two bowls of froot loops. He gave one to Dave then resumed his seat on the side of him, “Sorry to interrupt your guy’s no doubt thrilling and personal conversation.”

Dave began eating the froot loops, “God Egbert, how could you, showin up in my family jam.”

“Sorry, but I want to sit on the couch.”

“It’s a mattress right now you obsolete fool,”

John elbowed him, “Dingle head,”

Rose chuckled, “You didn’t interrupt anything John. Dave’s just really sensitive to everything. But even if this was a so called family jam, I’m sure you would be allowed in, seeing as you are his bro and everything.”

Dave kicked her again.

She shot a glare at him, “Dave, I already told you, kicking someone isn’t nice.”

“Well neither are you.”

“On the contraire, I’ve been agreeable all morning.”

“You’ve been awake for fifteen minutes.”

“And I have been fairly nice for the past fifteen minutes.”

“You lie, you hag!”

John stepped in, “Hey, name calling isn’t nice.”

“Well, neither is Dave,” Rose pointed out,

“Look who’s talking.”

“You are, which honestly comes as a surprise. I didn’t know you had the capacity of speech.”

“I’ve been speaking the whole time! That’s the stupidest come back ever!”

“And you’re the stupidest one in the room.” She gave a smirk, knowing she was winning.

Dave’s face grew red, well, it had been doing so for a while, but by then it was bright red, “Fuck you Lalonde!”

She half expected him to storm off, but of course, he did what she also half expected him to do. Jump up and fight.

He got up from his relaxed position on the couch bed and turned his cereal bowl over and placed it on her head as a hat.

She jumped up as well, “You insolent brat!” She screeched as she smashed her bowl of half eaten soggy cereal in his face.

He yanked back as the bowl fell onto the bed, dripping milk. He then lunged for Rose, his frowning face dripping as well, catching her in a headlock.

Frustrated, she brought her knee up, trying to hit him in the gut.

However, he was in fact taller than she estimated. She missed.

Needless to say Dave went down, crouched on the floor, with milk still dripping from his bangs. “You did that on purpose,” He hissed.

She shook her head, “No, I wouldn’t stoop so low.”

He reached out a hand and grabbed her ankle before yanking it, bringing her down to the ground.

She growled, “Unfair,” She remarked as she shifted her weight to her knees to rub at her now sore tail bone.

“Can’t handle your own game?” 

“It was an accident,” She hissed, kicking him. With that he lunged, tackling her. "Then this is an accident too,”

She smiled, making the other wary, “John. Dave actually has a large crush on you and has sexual fantasies about the two of you constantly and mph-” Dave shoved his forearm into her mouth, muffling his word.

She bit him, hard. He yanked his arm away, little droplets of blood gathering. He growled before attacking her once again. John tried to get between them but only got hit by a flying limb.

Grumbling he walked off, down the stairs and to the basement, he knocked on the door to the largest guest bedroom. 

Calliope popped her head out, “Morning John. My, they’re being loud.” Her eyes travelled up the the ceiling. Bangs and shouts could be heard.

“Yeah, actually, it’s Dave and Rose and they’re fighting. I don’t know what to do, is Roxy awake?”

Callie looked over her shoulder, “Um no. I can wake her.” She opened the door letting John in as she walked over to Roxy and shook her shoulder, “sweetie, you need to wake up.”

“Noooooo, Callie, whyyyy?” the platinum haired girl just rolled over and groaned.

“John said that Rose and Dave are fighting.”

John stepped into the room, “Yeah, they’ve already drawn blood,”

Roxy looked up, “Oh, in that case, toss me that robe Johnny boy,” She pointed to a chair here a robe lay. 

Shrugging, John tossed it to her.

Roxy disappeared under the covers again before clambering out o bed wearing the robe, “Did you try to stop them before you go me?”

He nodded, “Got this from it,” He swivelled his arm to show a raised red line on his arm.

She nodded, “I would get Dirk up, but he’s probably dead.” She elbowed a lump next to her on a bed, “Janey, Wake up. It’s a code three.”

Calliope looked at her weird, “What does that mean?”

Jane popped her head out from under the covers, “Absolutely nothing, she just wants to sound cool.” She reached out a hand and grabbed her glasses. “I’m assuming whatever we are doing, is because of the noise upstairs?”

Calliope nodded. 

Jane shrugged. “You can handle that, I wanna sleep more.”

Calliope rolled her eyes, “God, you two are so lazy after sex,”

“Speak for yourself hun, you fell asleep the first.”

John stared at them, “You have a kid!”

“He slept in the girls room last night,” Roxy reassure him as she tossed a different robe at Jane. “Get decent and lets go.”

Jane sighed as a loud shriek came from upstairs.

Minutes later they were upstairs, Dave and Rose still fighting, though with more blood than before.

Roxy sighed and went towards the mass of blonde and yells. She grabbed an arm, probably Rose’s and pulled. As if by magic they came apart, though both were lunging at each other.

Jane stepped in and pinned Dave’s arms behind his back, Roxy did the same. 

“We are all adults here, we shouldn’t be fighting like children. You need to use your words.” Jane began, “Honestly, I’m disappointed in the both of you, this is rotten behaviour, and I thought we learned that. Both of you time out,”

Roxy snorted at that idea, but Jane rolled her eyes.

“I mean it,” She steered Dave to a corner, expecting Roxy to do the same, which she did.

Sebastian walked downstairs, “Mommy, my face hurts,” He said, rubbing the bandage still on his cheek, covering his stitches

Calliope went over and picked him up, “Let’s get you some pain killers,”

Half an hour later, both of them were out of time out.

Dave sat on the floor with a bowl of warm water and a rag, mopping up the milk and blood while John sat on the couch that had been folded back up.

“Do you always fight with your sister?”

“She’s not my sister. I’ve just lived with her since I was thirteen. Dirk wanted to leave our bro as soon as possible so when Ms. Lalonde went to travel Europe on a fancy science journey that would take like three years, she told Dirk he and I could live at her house if we protected her daughters. Dirk agreed and we moved. Honestly though, I think she moved us in to protect us. I think both guardians were happy. I mean, bro and mamalonde.” Well, he knew Derek was happy, he had told him just last night.

“Oh. well do you fight with Rose a lot,”

“Mostly playful banter. But I didn’t get a lot of sleep, and she’s like, the least morning person ever.”

“Least morning person. Great grammar you have Dave.”

He rolled his eyes, “Shut up Egbutt."

John laughed but was quiet. For a minute, the bliss of him being quiet couldn’t last. “So, was what she said true? About you liking me,”

Dave paused his cleaning for a moment, his face going red. “I don’t know why she said that, we’re just bros, you and I."”

John shrugged, “Yeah. Bros.” He was quiet for a minute. He shifted his position so that his head was hanging off the edge of the couch by Dave.“Dave,” 

Dave turned to face John but jumped back, not expecting his head to be right there. “Jesus fuck! What did you do that for!”

John laughed, “To get your attention.”

“Kay, well you have it now. Jesus, what do you want?”

“I wanted to tell you something.”

Dave waited, “Well?”

“Hold up, I’m thinking on how to phrase it.” He paused, “Okay. Well, I’m a little sad that we’re bros. Like, I’m not gay, but I’m romantically interested in you. I was kinda excited when Rose said that you were too, because that would have gotten a lot of weird ass emotions out of the way. But, if you say you just see us as bros, then I guess it’s that.”

“John, you’re an idiot.” 

John gave a half smile, “Yeah, I know, but that really hasn’t stopped me before.”

Dave sighed and went back to work.

John sighed dramatically, “Excellent bro talk.”

“Yeah, now shut up, i’m cleaning up blood.”

“This wouldn’t have happened if you had bought tampons like I said,”

Dave snorted, “Quiet Egbutt.”

John smirked, “Make me.”

“Wow, such clever John. I am not going to kiss you. We’re bros, remember?,”

“Fine. But for the record, bros is a stupid word,” He righted himself on the couch, the blood in his head too much.

“What would you like us to be then?”

“Boyfriends,”

“Are you going to pay me fifty bucks?”

“No,”

 

“Back atcha,”

John sighed again, “Fine. I can respect that, but be warned, I’m going to try and keep wooing you.”

“I go back to Texas tomorrow.”


	13. Chapter 13

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Woot, angry children and boners, this took so long for no reason.

Dave knocked on the door before entering. Rose was sitting on the bed wearing nothing but a towel around her middle.

“Dave get out,” She glared at him, putting down her make up brush as soon as the door opened.

“Relax Lalonde. I’m not interested in anything you have. So I don’t care if you’re indecent.

“That doesn’t matter. If I cared about my indecency, that’s all that matters. But I’m not worried about that, I just want you to leave.”

“And why would that be dear Rosey?” He smirked a little bit, leaning on the door frame, sensing the playful banter that was so common coming on.

However, the grin was not present on Rose’s face. “I mean it Dave. Get the fuck out. I am still very upset with you and you acting like this is only making it worse.”

“Rosey,-” He was cut short by a flying hair brush.

“Don’t you dare call me that at this time. What you are doing is called gas lighting, an abusive tactic, and I will not fall for it. We had a fight, and under no circumstance are we going to ignore it. And unlike you, I am not going to devalue my emotions. I am upset over this and your idiot remarks are not going to change anything.”

Dave stood awkwardly for a moment before turning around and leaving. He didn’t go very far, no, just to the left of the door to hear what they were saying.

Rose sighed and continued doing her make up, “He’s an idiot.”

Jade sighed, “He doesn’t think much.”

“No, he thinks, he just doesn’t think of other people as different than him. He gets confused when people have different ways of feeling if both parties have been in the same situation.”

Jade nodded before halting, “I don’t understand.”

“I mean, he is confused because I feel differently than him, but he thinks we should feel similarly because we just went through similar things. But he doesn’t realize that we didn’t go through the same thing because history and emotion at time of accident really do affect the outcome.”

“Oh. Okay.” Jade shrugged, “Hey Rose, can I do your nails?”

That was all Dave heard. He got what he needed, besides, talk about nails was boring. 

He walked into the boys room. technically, it was John’s room, but whatever. No one called it that.

Dirk was still asleep as he expected, but Jake was gone, having left their intense cuddling session.

Dave flopped onto the bed next to Dirk, filling the space oh so thoughtfully left by Jake. “Hey, wake up ass hole.” He prodded Dirk.

Dirk whined, “Shut up turd, I didn’t get that much sleep.”

“Neither did I, now wake up.”

Dirk groaned, “What do you want.”

“Rose is mad at me.”

“For good reason too, you’re an ass hole.”

“Says the ass hole,”

“God Dave shut up. I’m just trying to give you fucking advice and you turn around and say something like that.’

“You said it first. What kind of advice starts off with ass hole?”

“Advice for an ass hole!”

Dave took a pillow and hit Dirk in the face. “Tell me how to make Rose not mad at me.”

“Why do you even care if she is mad at you?”

“I need advice from her, and she won’t talk to me.”

“Well that’s your first problem. You want her non angry because otherwise she’s unusefull to you, you don’t actually feel guilt or care that she's probably hurt under her anger.”

Silence was the only response from Dave.

“Kay well first, start caring about her emotions rather than your needs-” He was cut off.

“How come you can give advice but you never follow it?”

Dirk shrugged, or at least tried to. He was laying down on his side after all. Sighing, he grabbed his glasses off the bedside table and put them on. “Its easier to tell someone the rules than to follow them.”

“That doesn’t make any sense. How can you know so much about being an actual good person then turn around and be insensitive and detached.”

“I honestly don’t know. And because I don’t know, I’m not going to change it, I really feel no remorse for what I do and how I act. But if you want logistics, ask Roxy or Rose. Because I can’t give you an answer, like how you can’t be a decent person.”

“It’s not like I mean to be a terrible person! God!”

“I know, and neither do I, yet you always piss yourself in anger when I react in ways that make sense to me. So don’t complain.”

Dave sighed, “Fine. I’ll go apologize to Rose, because you aren’t really getting me anywhere.”

Dirk stood up and stretched. there was no way he was going to get back to sleep. “Apologize for the right reason though,” 

“Yeah yeah, whatever, just go snog your boyfriend.”

“Will do.” Both of them left the room at the same time, but it was clear they were pretending the other had already left.

Dave went back to the girls room, knocking again before opening the door. Jade looked the Same, but Rose had finished her make up and hair and was currently having her nails done.

Rose’s black smile faded as she looked at the door. “What do you want now.”

“I” He paused, how the fuck was he supposed to apologize? “I’m sorry.”

Rose nodded, “For what?”

“Aw come on. Why do I have to jump through your stupid hoops. I already said I’m sorry.”

“Because I think you are saying sorry for your benefit, I don’t believe you are genuinely regretting anything.”

“Well I’m regretting coming and talking to you,”

“Then you may leave.”

He sighed again and left.

He walked downstairs, to find Jake sitting on Dirks lap, facing him, their mouths connected. Deciding to annoy them, Dave crept over and climbed between them, laying himself across both their laps. “Save room for me.”

Jake gave an awkward chuckle. and blushed.

Dirk. well, Dirk just wanted to shove him off and possibly punch him. However, there was a cute boy preventing that from happening. “Dave, get your nasty ass off my boner.”

“What, you have a boner. Couldn’t feel it.” truth was, he could feel it, it was kinda jabbing his stomach, still, he wasn’t going to pass the opportunity to piss Dirk off.

“Probably because just looking at you killed it.”

Dave rolled his eyes, “Good, I don’t need your weird gay erection ghost floating around the house, for gods sake, there are children in the house.”

“Actually, not for long. Sebastian’s going home soon. Then I can bang the hot English ass.”

“Where are you even going to bang. Not John’s room.”\

John peeked his head out the kitchen door, “Yeah, no sex in my room. Unless it’s me and Dave,” He winked at the blond who plopped his face into the arm of the couch.

“Not happening John!” 

Laughter erupted. Even from John, “I know, but it never hurts to try.”

Dave shimmied out of the laps of the boys and left the room. He went down the stair and knocked on the door to the large room.

Sebastian opened the door. “Hello.” He greeted.

“Hey, is Roxy in?” 

He nodded and closed the door.

A moment later Roxy opened the door, “Hey Dave, what up.”

“I need some advice,” 

“Cool. What kind, boy advice or girl advice.”

“Uh… I need advice on how to make Rose not mad at me.”

“Girl advice. Okay, well apologize. That’s all I have to say. But she can tell when you’re lying, so don’t pull any shit on her. Has she apologized yet?”

He shook his head, “No.”

“Then she’s not sorry. She’s still upset. If you can’t come up with a half decent apology, wait until she does, because it will probably take the same amount of time for both of you to regret anything.”

He nodded, “Kay……”

She sighed, “Callie, how much longer do we have before we leave?”

“Um, half an hour. I don’t want to keep the pilot waiting. He had to fly around on Christmas for God’s sake.”

“Okay,” Roxy turned back to Dave, “Davey, let mama Roxy give you some boy advice, heaven knows I’ve had experience. Whatcha gotta do is talk to your Johnny boy. Just last week you were askin me if John like you, and you cried when he didn’t. I know you see that as a weak moment because the stress and shit made you lose your cool. But turns out your feelings under stress usually are your real feelings just a lot more complicated. Just get to the root of your feelings.”

Dave nodded, “Kay, but say I do like him like I claimed I did when I was freaking out. It’s not gonna work, I’m leaving tomorrow.”

She smiled, “It’ll work out if you try. Everything works out if you actively work towards it,” She kissed dave’s forehead, leaving a bright pink mark under his bangs. “Now go and discover your emotions. And prevent homos upstairs from having sex, all of them.”

He groaned, remembering that Derek was still there.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> *sobs* why did this take forever?*


	14. Chapter 14

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Things get resolved.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Woot, long chapter. This is the end. I wanted fifeen chapters, but honestly, this is as much as my holiday ridden brain can handle. enjoy.
> 
> Fuckfuckfuckfuck, I fucked up. However I will fix it. Jade and jake live in Washington, though they used t live on an island, that will be explained in part one of this series. Speaking of which, part two will be a sequel to that, this will be part three and then I'll make a part four. Patience children, we must wait for me to chill the fuck out.

“Jooooooooooooooooooooohn,” Dave lay on the couch once again, calling John to him. 

John peeked his head out of the kitchen, “What do you want?” He sounded slightly irritated as he wiped his hands on the frilly red apron he was wearing.

Dave snickered, “Nice apron, Ms. Crocker.”

John rolled his eyes, yep he was annoyed, “The only Crockers in the family is Great Grandma and Jane. I’m only wearing this apron because I want to get it as dirty as possible.”

“Why do hate Crocker Corp so much?”

“Because of Jane. She’s been through Hell because of that stupid thing. She was pulled out of high school and put in a stupid business woman college program and it over stressed her and took her away from her friends, all because she’s a stupid Crocker. Besides, they make a shit ton of money selling pre-packaged goods though they are kinda ripping people off if you think about it.”

He nodded, “Hey, about your sister, why is she a Crocker, does it have something to do with that fact that she’s adopted.”

John leaned on the armchair to the couch, “Nah. I mean kinda. She's adopted yes, but we’re still related through genetics. I don’t know, our dad’s one brother had a lot of kids and left them with their moms. He has this intense underground system or some shit, searching for women who had kids with my brother and who put who up for adoption. He found us and was like, this bastard is my brother's kid. So it’s not like Jane inherited the Crocker name from her birth parents. But she’s the eldest daughter of the eldest daughter in law who was also adopted by nana, of the eldest daughter of the original Crocker. Nanna retired from all that corporate shit, and our aunt was going to take on the name of Crocker, even though it was kinda lost when Nanna married Poppop, but then our aunt died in a horrific factory explosion, and so Jane got it, and she was like, fifteen at the time. So they had to train her quick as possible and make her legally take on the Crocker name. But, the only reason she isn’t fully in charge now is because our other aunt who we’ve never met took it. She was adopted by Nanna even though she's married to my dad's brother, only so the company can be passed down to Jane. But because of all the rules and shit, she could still take it. So right now Jane’s only a figure head because she has the legal Crocker name and actual blood, but she doesn’t get the company until our one aunt retires, or dies.”

Dave nodded, “Your family line is jacked up.”

John shrugged, “I don’t care, now, if you’ll excuse me, I need to get back to making cupcakes.”

The blonde snorted.

“What?” 

“Never thought you would be one to make cupcakes. you’re too manly Egbutt.”

“Weren’t you the one who was just challenging my mangrist yesterday?”

Dave nodded, “Not manly, but too manly to bake cupcakes.”

John scoffed, “Jane bakes all the time and she’s manlier than you.”

Dave sinced, “Yeah, she fucking kicked me in the stomach on Christmas eve and I still have a bruise.”

“Yeah, she’s pretty intense. One word of advice, if you see her again, do not sneak up behind her, you will be on the floor in a second flat. Now, if you’ll excuse me, I have to make some manly frosting for my already manly cupcakes.” He walked back into the kitchen.

Dave waited a moment before realizing his folly. “Joooooooooohn,”

John Peeked his head in again, much more irritated now, “What? I was just in here!”

“I know, but you didn’t do what I wanted you too.”

“And what is that?”

“Get Bec off of me, have to pee and he fell asleep on my lap.”

John laughed, “Ha, that’s sucks. You’ll have to wait till he wakes up them.”

Dave groaned, “No. You have to help me.”

“Nah, I have to go man my cupcakes.” John spoke as he disappeared into the kitchen.

Dave sighed and leaned back. How come in the middle of the night Bec would wake up if Dave moved, but at three PM he would sit there forever? It just wasn’t fair.

He sighed again as Rose walked down the stairs and sat by him. Until now, this was the first he had seen of her. She had spent all day in Jade’s room and hadn’t come out for food.

He glanced at her and she began petting the samoyed. “What up Lalonde.”

She gave a short sigh, “I still really wish you wouldn’t be so casual. It really pisses me off,”

“Did you come out here to bitch at me?”

“No. Honestly, I came to apologize but I don’t think I regret my actions any more. However, I am over it enough to talk with you.”

“Cool.”

She sighed, “You honestly piss me off at times with your whole attitude thing. Like, can’t you for once feel something that isn’t anger or nothing? And if you do, why can’t you show it? It pisses me off, and makes you distant. I know you really hate talking to me at times because you say I read your mind, but how else am I supposed to know what you are feeling? And that’s not the only reason it pisses me off. You never feel anything that you are supposed to feel, neither does Dirk. I always feel like super emotional compared to you guys, but I’m not. And you never react according to your emotions and that has caused a lot of problems that could be stopped if you just were true to yourself, and you never feel sorry or empathetic towards me, so I feel not only like I'm over emotional, but like you honestly don’t care. And that pisses me off.” She let out a deep breath after speaking, her words having gotten faster as she went on, leading her to be slightly out of breath.

“I think you’re getting mad at something rather than showing your true emotions right now,” Dave pointed out after a moment.

She rolled her eyes and smacked his arm. “I am. Because I’m upset on more than one level and pissed is an appropriate way to show that. But I can go into detail on exactly the emotions I am feeling if you wish. Where as you just say I'm angry and then punch something, then get confused why no one else is completely apathetic after punching something, I feel bad when I hit someone, even if I'm too prideful to say so.”

“How the fuck does you kicking my man jewels have anything to do with being prideful?"

“We were in the middle of a spat. I if I had stopped to apologize, I would have been weak and you wouldn’t take me seriously or anything. Sure, you’d know it was an accident, but you wouldn think I wasn't mad any more."

Dave looked completely lost. “I- what?”

She shrugged, “Emotions can be hard to understand, and outside factors are only half the story. How I react to things is different than how you do. So I can’t really explain it, you’re just oging to have to take my word on it, okay?”

He sighed, “Okay.” 

An awkward pause ensued.

“Rose,” Dave was the first one to break the seal, unusual to say the least, “I’m sorry. I don’t understand a lot of shit, and sometimes it's myself I don't know, so I look to you to explain it to me. And sometimes you try to explain myself to me or expect me to be the one to explain it before I know that’s what I want, and I don’t understand that and I get frustrated and mad. That’s what happened this morning. I didn’t want to hit you or anything, I was just upset, and I tried to release it on you, because that’s where I think it was coming from. So sorry for taking out my problems on you.”

She rested her head on his shoulder, “I figured. But I wanted you to come to that yourself. I’m sorry for pushing you and calling you out on your crush on John, I know better, but still, I’m allowed to make mistakes and be emotional. For god’s sake, I’m still only 20.” She sighed, “By the way, how’s your Egderp situation going?”

“That’s actually what I wanted to talk to you about this morning… He said he likes me, but I’m over him, but I’m also not. He’s like that three day crush we all get, and we get over them quickly. But he’s still lingering.”

She nodded, “I don’t think you’re over him. You want to be, but when you have a connection with somebody for a long time, it never really goes away.”

“Yeah, but I’d hardly call a month a long time,”

“True, but probably the longest time you’ve been in a serious relationship with someone.”

Dave was silent a moment. It was true. God, why was he such a fuck up with relationships? “I was being paid to stay with him. For god’s sake, everyone thought that we were engaged.”

“I think that’s why you still like him. I mean, you got over Terezi really quick because you weren’t emotionally invested. That only took an hour of pouting. But you were forced to be emotionally invested in John, and him in you. In any other situation, I don’t think you would like him. He’s not really your type, but you were forced to get to know each other. It’s like family but with attractive males.”

Dave snickered, “Fine. Well, what do you suggest I do? Just sweep him off his feet.”

“No, he already said he’s interested in you, so just go talk to him.”

“Can’t there’s a dog on my lap.”

Jade walked into the room, “Bec, off.”

With that, he jumped off the couch, fully awake. He trotted over to Jade and sat at her feet, gazing up to her with loving eyes.

She pat his head before walking to the couch herself, Bec trailing behind. “I’m leaving with Nanna and Poppop in just a minute, wanted to say goodbye,” She kissed Roses’s cheek, “Since this might be the last time I see you, I just want to say, I’m sorry it didn’t work out in high school, and Dave, I’m glad it didn’t work out in high school, I like Karkat much better than you and two years is pretty fucking swell,” She gave him a hug rather than a kiss.

He smiled, “Well, for the record, I liked dating you better than Karkat, he was always complaining.”

Jade giggled, “Don’t worry, he still does complain, about everything.” She shifted her bag further up on her shoulder. “Okay, so I know Nanna and Poppop are speaking with James, but where the hell is Jake?”

“He’s in the basement fucking Jake. They were going to do it tonight, but seeing as your departure time got bumped, they’re at it now.” Rose told with a knowing smile.

John came out with a batch of cupcakes, “What, they’re having sex? Oh my god, that's disgusting.”

Jade rolled her eyes, “Sex isn’t that gross, grow up John.”

“No, I mean, Jane and Roxy and Callie fucked there last night. I haven’t had the chance to change the sheets. Plus, sex is gross, so whatever.” 

A slipper came flying out of no where and hit John in the side of the head, he stumbled and dropped the platter of baked goods. “Hey! My cupcakes!”

Betty glared at him from the top of the stairs, “Jonathan Egbert, I heard what you said, don’t you ever cuss again, you hear me,”

He sighed but nodded.

“Good. Jade sweetie, where’s your brother, I want to get home as soon as we can. Go fetch him.”

“Nanna, he’s committing sin with Dirk, I’d rather not get him.”

She sighed, “I’ll get him.” She walked down the stairs to the basement and knocked loudly on the door for all to hear. “JAKE! WE’RE LEAVING IN FIVE MINUTES, GET YOUR BUTT OUT HERE OR I WILL GO IN THERE AND DRAG YOU OUT DESPITE YOUR STATE OF CLOTHING! DON’T TEST ME.”

No response was heard.

“JACOB! DID YOU HEAR ME! I’M COMING IN!” The door was opened followed by screams. 

“OH MY GOD NANNA GET OUT GET OUT!”

“I’LL GET OUT AS SOON AS HIS PENIS IS OUT AND YOU ARE DRESSED!”

Minutes later she was back upstairs with a dishevelled and blushing Jake. “Okay, you and Jade got get in the car, I’ll get Harold and we’ll be off.”

She smiled at the young adults still sitting on the couch, “It was lovely meeting you, except you John, it was nice seeing you again.” With that, she went upstairs to fetch her husband.

Dave looked at John, “Your grandmother is terrifying.”

“Almost every female in my family is.”

He sighed, “God.”

Dirk came up shortly after and flopped onto the couch next to Dave, “Talking about how scary women are?”

Dave nodded, Rose only smiled. 

John sighed, “Well, I’m going to get the other cupcakes.”

Dave looked at him, “There were like, two dozen cupcakes on that platter, what the fuck? How many do you have?”

“A. Lot." He picked the platter up off of the floor and went back into the kitchen.

Dave followed him, muttering under his breath, something along the lines of, “Gotta help him with all the god damn cupcakes.”

A small chorus of giggles ensued as he left.

John looked up from his red and blue cupcakes and Dave stepped in. “What up Striderp?”

Dave shrugged, “Just wanted to check on you. Maybe help you with all these god damn cupcakes…”

“I can handle it.” He went back to work arranging them.

Dave stepped closer, “Hey, John, you got little something on your face,”

He looked up, “I do? I haven’t eaten a cup cake ye-”

He was cut off by Dave’s lips.

The blonde pulled away, “Pay back from earlier,

John stood aghast for a moment before smiling, a light pink dust settling on his tan cheek bones. 

“If what I have on my face is Dave, then I think I can do without cleaning up for right now." He leaned in and kissed him, his kiss lasting much longer than Dave’s little peck on the lips.

Finally they had to pull away, “So, you do know that I like you, right?"

Dave chuckled, his face getting a little red. Not that he was embarrassed, but because he was a little thrilled. “Well I like you too. Just didn’t say anything before.”

“Nah, you did, on Christmas eve. But I figured I stopped that from progressing. Glad I still have a chance.”

“You’ll always have a chance." He smiled before leaning in. Again.

“JONATHAN! WHAT IN SAM’S NAME IS THIS! THERE'S FROSTING ALL OVER THE FLOOR, COME HERE AND CLEAN IT UP IMMEDIATELY!” Nanna’s loud voice interrupted their kiss.

John chuckled, “Man, she’s good at breaking people up.” He pecked him on the cheek before grabbing a roll of paper towels and exiting the room.

Dave smiled, he had a chance. He always had a chance.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> You should check out the 'teenage years are meant for exploring', it follows the same au, but its a lot more relaxed and focused on Jane, because I really fucking love Jane. Yeah, this was 2000 words per chapter, the other one is going to be whatever I feel like, and I actually have that one planned out, though not the number of chapters. From what I've heard, its pretty good for only being one chapter so far. But now that this piece of shit is out of the way, I'll spend a lot more time on that, developing this au and head canons.

**Author's Note:**

> Wow, this is longer than i thought, but i like it. May continue.


End file.
